YoU weRe mY evErYtHinG...NoT anYmoRe

2005年9月16日星期五 --

Halo, long time no write...

Been some time since I last wrote... sorry, I've been totally into preparing for my end of years.... today is a friday so i decided to write an entry for my blog to prevent my habit of writing often from going away...

Anyway, i marvel at my willpower... ok, haha~ not really... this is the first time i managed to carry on the cold war... anyway, I'm not intending to sms him so often to bug him anymore... I have to revise...! 14 days... mind you... And i have 7 more sujects to revise... I'm doing 2 a day... except A maths and Chem which are the two subjects i don't have an A for term 3 of... and I read this chinese book my father bought from china that time...I had taken it but hadn't taken time to read it until monday... or tuesday... and it really taught me a lot... I really think the method works... so, i wrote "I got 7 A's for the end of year examination and i am thrilled" in chinese on my left hand to remind myself to think of my target... so that i can work towards it and praise myself and reflect on w

hat i did that day to try to achieve my target...Everybody thinks that I am insane... ='( *sighs* geesh... I'm not insane! anyway, maybe it's just sorely what i think...but i do find learning not as tiring and my learning attitude had changed for the better...=) really! honestly...! it's really true...! and i have been doing a responsible job of revising... well, i decided to start on english first... I really hope to get an A1... (for once) instead of an A2... I find myself sometimes hoping that I can be promoted to band 1... but then again... I don't think it's such a wise idea... because I obviously don't belong there.... i'm probably a B3 but mrs lee is a lenient marker... so I went up by one grade... *sighs* guess I should be contented with being in band 2... =)

oh well...anyway... I MUST do well for my end of year this year...! i must do well! I have to do well... I want to get into a better JC than Ice Mountain... hmm.... I guess this is the only way to make myself want to study and put most of my time in it without complaining...Or making empty promises to study but not fulfilling them... I have to win Ice Mountain...!!!

Yesterday, i went to remind jz senior to wish silvia happy birthday... I knew he'd forget.. sure enough, he did... he saw my message after he went back to the hostel after the examination and then asked me what her handphone number was... doesn't he know that the sec 4s went back early because they had their examination? I was still in class then...It seems that today is chemistry...And then when I turned on my handphone after chem extra lessons in which mr leow revised bonding and i realised that I think I need 4 days to revise chemistry... cause I forgot everything! =( and then I saw his message and silvia's saying that she was happy... because he wished her happy birthday... hm... and she asked me what she ought to say so that their conversation can be longer... she added a "since you're more experienced" in front... -.-" er- i'm not experienced.... I'm a failure, remember? I still remember how she used to say I was a failure and now she was looking to me for advice?! anyway, huiyi told me that it was better to let her know what I did... So, i did... and she was so shocked... but she wasn't angry... thankfully... and apparently, she has a new target... oh my gosh! how can she be so fickle?! I can't believe her...she said her old admirer.... oh my gosh! Ice Mountain used to be one of the people she liked... er- Oh ... ok.... seems extremely unlikely...

But that's the last time i try to help anybody...really.... i've had enough of heart attacks... and today, I told huiyi about the unfeeling and sluttish things I've done... and mostly thought of... huiyi was totally freaked out and sort of disgusted by me... I'm turning into audrey! ='( what is wrong with me?! ok, i'm working on it... I'm trying very hard not to think schemingly.... (why should i be doing that?) what is wrong with me?! I never used to be like that... and now, I can lie without batting an eyelid... and i can even think of hurting myself just to gain other people's care or pity...I am turning into people whom I detest and hate... who knows what i'll think of doing next? maybe even hurting others... or making them suffer in guilt... I don't want to turn into someone so scary... I don't want to... ...Please don't turn into someone like that... i'm not evil... i'll never do such things... and i don't want to...but i feel much more at ease with myself now... i mean, i finally told someone about how despicable and loathesome and scheming I am turning into... hopefully, will change for the better... I cannot imagine if one day i can feel nothing when I hurt people who are the closest to me and matter to me most deeply...and actually laugh at my victory... I really dread turning into someone so... shallow...

I will not sink to the level of Angel... I will not use guilt to push people over the cliff... I will not make use of other people's pity or their care for me to take advantage of them, to let them do what i want them to... I will not act innocent and make others the bad guy when they actually did nothing wrong... I will not pretend to be kind but actually be thinking something of the complete opposite in my heart... i will not be hypocritical...and I will never pretend I'm sick... unless i really am... and i will not resort to crying to make others feel guilty or pity me or shed crocrodile tears... (don't worry, i've never done that before)

I have to save myself.... and i have to study really hard... I won't be writing until next friday... Sorry...

18:11