feels like I'm in a cold turkey stage... oh well~ like krishna.... will feel suicidal, will feel like you've reached breaking point.
painful, isn't it?
each time i'm angry with someone, (very angry, of course) I will chuck stuff that contains memories of him or her. somehow, I soon realised that I always tend to regret. because years later when you think back, you want something to remind you of those days.
haha~ just like that time i chucked the stuff my ex gave me...
hmM...
omg... i daren't even contemplate chucking siwen...
omg...it's so poor thing...
& so adorable. & sad looking...
it's pitiful enough...
like it's owner. only I'm not only pitiful, i'm pathetic too..
hmM
(".)
oh well, I will deal with it.. this is life.
isn't it?
since he has made it clear to me...
the longer I am attached to him, the more misery I have to endure in the long run...
might as well be miserable now and happier later...
although I can't deny that all along my world revolved and was all about one person. and he gave me all the happiness and caused my sadness. now, how long will I take to adapt? to get used to life with him out of it...
perhaps i can pretend or really ignore and not care about him, but deep down, he will always have that place in my heart. whether i still like him or not
hmM.... with experience from the past, I think I will most probably give up on giving up again. Happens all the time. haha... geEsH...(".) i'm not exactly firm when it comes to this.
haiX
how will i ever get used to not mentioning him practically all the time....how will I get used to smsing him whenever i feel like it... how will I get used to not looking for him....how will i get used to not buying stuff for him when I see something that I think suits him...how will I get used to not being able to see him...
with time...
with time....
maybe... if we're not 'siblings,' things might be easier.
haiX
like he will look for me if i don't look for him
20:55
2006年10月26日星期四 --
2day is wenfeng's birthday
HmM....
well today din go too well for me... physics pract was terrible... & I was very depressed. going all pms again. & after science pract & we were free to go, when I was coming down the main stairs, I twisted my leg. So now, I'm limping...
& I was quite upset because of a very very stupid reason... because wenfeng didn't reply my message. although I'm quite used to it... but then, perhaps because I had screwed up physics pract, twisted my ankle, got totally drenched in the rain when going to ang mo kio central to have lunch, had not much appetite after that, it just...added to the list of terrible events on a bad day.
& plus, I had to climb up my bed without putting too much stress on my right leg, which is an extremely tough feat.
I was quite depressed because wenfeng claimed that i had remembered his birthday wrongly. because, seriously... how much of a failure can I be if I dont even know his birthday...it was...saddening...
then I realised that his birthday is 100% on the 26th... so i explained that my message had a sending failed but i didn't notice it until i took my handphone from the locker and so there was this misunderstanding that he thought I thought that his birthday was tomorrow.
anyway, so i asked him if he'd seen the puzzle.
no. because he had injured his leg (i don't know how) and he can't walk. at least i can still walk though with a limp. obviously I was worried. but he didn't reply me after that. so yar...
today I watched goong on channel U because it was such a bad day, and I was totally not in the mood to study because I was so sad. and pms, of course. then, cai jing was asking xin jun if she was so unimportant in his eyes. and then later she started crying and she said that she felt that she was very pitiful and pathetic because she missed xin so much when he went to thailand without her and because he didn't return her calls, she wasn't able to sleep or eat properly...
and I felt totally like cai jing...because I ate a few mouthfuls of noodles for dinner and lied to my mother that I ate a lot for lunch. which isn't exactly true. I can't get to sleep... and I am SO 'important' to him...see why I say I'm the real life version of cai jing excluding the fact that I am not pretty, i'm not engaged to him, and I don't have a 'lv-jun' who is my guardian...oh welL...
I thought it would be better if I didn't see him before O levels... but...I miss him so much.poor thing... spending his birthday in his hostel...haiX...will I only be able to smile after o levels? really want to see him...saddening...
what will happen to me when he leaves singapore for good...I daren't think about it...
23:10
2006年10月24日星期二 --
pmS 对不起，文峰哥哥和向往
I'm darn nervous about 26th's physics pract, to tell you the truth... (".) haiX
I can't believe I used to think that he hated me. (".)
anyway, he's helping me to pass wenfeng's present to him on the 26th. they are mostly probably celebrating his birthday together on the 26th.(BIG SURPRISE... they're such good friends) *envious look* so good! different schools, different hostels, and yet they can still remain best of friends...
HmM... who knows...what lies beneath that facade....
frieNDs... I've learnt when I was younger not to be too attached to a friend. it's best to treat everybody equally, share secrets with every one of the good friends.... rather than concentrate into one person and treat that person better...
that's what I learnt from my experience in primary 6...
maybe....
it's best to be frank between friends. even if you're unhappy, you ought to voice it out... (".) for example, you just want to lie down on the desk to sleep. and yet, your friend keeps hitting you non-stop just to get your attention...obviously, you aren't very happy. maybe... you should tell your friend... if you keep 'ren-ing' it will all just add up to a mountain of things to complain about...
as friends, it's normal to be there for a pal... to comfort him or her...
but yet... sometimes, it gets too freakish.. like when the person becomes too dependent on you... it tends to intimidate people.
& sometimes, people find it tiring to keep comforting and trying to convince you that you are seriously thinking too much.....
not everyone can handle a sensitive or sometimes, overly sensitive person.
anyway, back to what I was saying, I really envy wenfeng and xiang wang... =)
haiX
anyway, i'm starting to miss my puzzle. it's in xiang wang's hostel now. I really don't know how else to thank him. so i bought some cheap tiny boxes of chocolate for him. (".)
ok, how insincere...
but yar, it's the thought that counts!
i hope... wenfeng won't be angry with me... sighs
jiayou, weimun!
20:35
2006年10月16日星期一 --
aaaahh
I'm getting incredibly irritated with myself. I didn't manage to study at all... 1 whole day! plus, since we have been 'sent off', other than the days I went back to school, i hadn't done much studying... -.-"
how am i going to jump 8 points?!
....
='(
i'm feeling overwhelmed by the proximity of the o levels....
26th oct. physics pract already.
& his 19th birthday....
& i still havent devised a way to pass him the present.
I think something is going on. defeng and jingzhi won't reply my message that asked them what xiang wang's hp no is. -.-"
(".)
what is going on?!
I need his help!
oh, anyway so later i got his no from liting, but he didn't reply to my message either...
I really don't know what is going on...
I know that I'm being really unfair, asking someone who isn't really directly involved in any way to help...and I'm imposing on others... but...
can I not see him...
each time we meet there will come a time we need to part. and I can't stop myself from wondering whether this is the last time we are meeting.
I must burn midnight oil tonight!!!!
i'm like on an emotional roller coaster until o levels end...
& on the other hand, I really want to see him...
haiX...
19:02
2006年10月14日星期六 --
HaiX
I do realise all my blog titles are 'HaiX'
haha....
well, today there's NJ, AJ and VJ open house....
hmM... don't think I will be going for any... (".)
went to TJ yesterday and as expected, 我们无缘
never mind, i expected that, so I was quite ok with it....
anyway, I really don't remember promising yirong to go to HCJC with her....
all those who know me will know that I am aiming for TJ... why would I want to go to the open house of HC...*frowns*
it's just like she doesn't want to go to the open house of TJ. I'm just not interested in HCJC. (plus I can never get in in my entire life.... it's faster to dream, actually)
anyway, TJ's really far, at bedok...
angeline says it's better to take a bus to bedok interchange. at least u're guaranteed seats... How very true. we took mrt by the way. then we walked to TJ....
you have to wait for a long time to take the 38 bus... anyway, a lot of people take that bus so it'll be darn packed.
hmM... Tj's really huge. and I'm quite intimidated. -.-"
oh well...
I think they're the only school that has a bus parked permanently in their carpark.
haha~
their library is huge. but I think VJ's is better...
speaking of which....
I have this urge to go to Vjc... to see what my dream school since i was in sec 1 is like...
unfortunately, nobody's going with me. I'm not as fortunate as someone... who has someone to go with...and yet, is like, angry or something...
just forget it lah...
as if i can ever get in
and OMG i can't get in. isn't that why all the more i should go?
haiX
never mind.... stay at home and mug...
09:00
2006年10月12日星期四 --
TjC open house tml
Actually, I was sort of looking forward to it, for obvious reasons...
although NOW....
erR-
not as much....
I think most people know that it weren't for obvious reasons, VJC will definitely be my 1st choice JC....
reasons would include *cough, cough*
and then there's another which is my FABULOUS results
i'm like dangling mid-air. at least those at the end are getting extensive revision.
What am i doing?
erR-
trying to study...
yar, TRYING
oh well, had to go back to school for english and physics today. mrs yeo says B3 and below have to come back next week too.
that would be me. b3 and below.
aaaahhhh
anyway, I tried the SJI mcq and even though i checked the answer key, I totally didn't get it
so well~ have to ask mdm tey tomorrow
haiX
so saD...
I doubt I will see him because... he has no cca. he used to have, but he quit already....
so yar...
and given his character, he's simply not interested in such stuff
....
i'm going to buy a HUGE lollipop tomorrow
...
I think I won't be going for the 1st 1 month... given that the jcs I can actually enter have subject combinations that i totally detest. -.-" this is what happens when you don't do well enough to get into a decent JC...
shall bear that in mind.
I shall go learn cooking and baking! it's always been my ambition since young to be a good housewife who can cook really well. yum yum~ =)
and of course, get a part-time job. =D
learn how hard money comes by... and hence stop spending so much money on wants...
yay, HUGE lollipop. what flavour should it be...?
23:18
2006年10月9日星期一 --
e puzzle
1000 pieces.... can't believe it's finished.... well, I had help from my sis, my bro, huiyi, linxiu and hweeli. hmM... let's see.. the sky was done by me, except 2 or 3 of the constellations by my bro. the dolphins were done by my sis. and i did the sea with help from huiyi and hweeli and linxiu. (they mainly did the parts inthe centre) and in case you start scolding me for neglecting my studies, i bought this on the day prelims ended. and i spent about 2 weeks to finish it. (please... LOOK at the colours used... Blue, blue and BLUE!) you have no idea how tough it was... (oh, i'm sure linxiu, hweeli and huiyi will agree with me on this one)
although i seriously doubt that he will like it, and that i will surely get a scolding, this cost me $120.... so.... if i don't give it to him.... i must be out of my mind...
now comes the question of how to give...
hahahaha....
i have no idea.
definitely not on the 13th. that will be so embarrassing, for both of us.
well, definitely on the actual day. because his birthday is on the day of o level physics practical. some time before, i guess....
or i can just simply ask someone to pass to him. then comes the problem of who....
so ma fan....
anyway, I am in an extremely foul mood now.
thanks to the stupid air-conditioner. of ALL times to break down, it had to break down when i FINALLY had the urge to study. it just chased all the enthusiasm away.
damn....
the teachers are flooding us with prelim papers from other schools. god, i haven't touched the A maths ones. I'm so darn biased, doing all the E maths papers first.
...
aaaahhhhh hate o levels
21:26
2006年10月7日星期六 --
Quiz
1.single, taken or crushing? crushing. without a doubt.
2.are you happy with your life now? HAHAHAHA. No... =(
3.when you meet the right person, do you fall in love with him fast? erR- yaR. (recalls how I first liked him...)
4.have you ever had your heart broken? yes, loads of times.
5.do you believe there are some circumstances where cheating love is acceptable? I don't think u can cheat love...
6.would you take someone back if he cheats on you? yes. I will. if he wants to come back to me, that is. because most of the time, when I like someone, my world is all about him.
7.have you ever talked about marriage with another before? erR- with my friends~ haha~ i think this question means did you ever talk about marriage with a partner...well, if that's the case. No.
8.do you want children? of course! without doubt. i want a son first, then a daughter. perfect duo.
9.how many? two.
10.would you consider adoption? erR no. I can only love my own children. i know i'm terrible laH...unless you count Si Wen, whom I love like my own child. =X haha~ it's considered to be adopted right? unless you count him as its father and me as the mother. which is just way WEIRD
11.if someone like you right now, what do you think is the best way to let you know his feelings? I don't know...I am easily touched. (".) oh! no mushy love letters. (ironic really.... because i used this method myself. hey! mine wasn't mushy)
12.do you enjoy getting into relationships? erR actually... i don't think so. what if we quarrel and break up? we will just end up hating each other and pretending not to see each other's existence. that will be so painful...as long as I know he cares about me and he shows his concern for me or goes out with me occasionally, I guess, it's enough.
13.be honest, what is the furthest you and your ex did? kiss. hmM... that was like, so long ago....
14.do you believe in love first sight? yaR.
15. Are you romantic? erR i don't really think so.
16. Do you believe you can change someone? No. I don't think I am so influential.
17. if you could married somewhere, where would it be? the first place where my husband and I had our first date. (haha~if we got married -seems quite impossible- we would have to get married at J8 or bugis junction) muhaha~
18.do you easily give in when you are fighting? fighting? as in physically or what? well, depends on who and what I am fighting for. If it's the type like, someone bullies my friend, obviously not. iF it's fighting over a guy I like, haha.... i give in quite easily.
19.do you have feelings for someone right now? yes...
20.have you ever wished that you could have had someone but you messed it up? erR... yaR.
21.have you ever broken a heart? erM- yaR. blocking someone in a fit of pique.
22.if one day your best friend fall in love with the girl/boy you deeply in love with, what would you do? that will never happen in a million years. ErR- at least for now.... if I go to Jc, erR- that seems possible... I will... be extremely worried. and secretly pray that the boy i like won't like her. (bad, but honest...)
23.are you missing someone now? yeS... although i shall see him next friday. (yea, yea, yea!) =X
now you have to ask 5 of your friends to do this survey in their blogs.write down their names in the list below.
huh? this seems like a sabotage. just do if u want to.
23:15
AAAAAHHHHH
Well, we have checked our prelim papers' scripts on thursday. and we already know our l1R5...
n big surpiSE... i can't make it to TJC.
oh please lah. dun even talk about TJC... i can't even go those JCs in the middle rank...
I guess I'm still sad...I mean.... HELLO.my results are so totally TERRIBLE
I really don't know what the heck happened...
I mean, I studied hard for ALL the subjects excluding physics. So i have nothing to complain about my physics marks.
Physics 50 C6 yea, i passed! Chem 53.1 C6 What happened?! i thought the paper was quite manageable?!
does it matter which subject i count for science? they're as terrible
E Maths 67.7 B3 what on earth happened?! oh yar, i died in paper 1. i just passed it, for god's sake. what HAPPENED?! A maths 50 C6 OMG i actually passed?! when I like, left so much blank? and i din even revise at all! i also conveniently FORGOT how to differentiate n integrate. i'd rather fail and get a F9 and get a A1 for E maths
obviously counting E maths. that makes 9 already. GOD. and i've just only counted 2 subjects
English, my l1 (DUH. i can't possibly count another 6 inside even if my HCL is darn good) B3. 65. Ok, i suppose this is quite reasonable seeing as there are only 5 A1s in the whole level. GOSH. but still.... i would have been happier with an A2. although the passage was really so difficult and in my opinion, the answers were quite ridiculous. oh well...
that's 12. exceeded 11. (to get into tjc, i need 11 (raw) because i have 4 bonus.. -unless i fail HCl which is quite impossible, i mean, FAIL?!-)
o level chinese A1 i have to count it. it's an A1, hello?!
13. 4 subjects.
geog 76.6 a1 ok, i know it's a really pathetic A1. what with so many people with 80 plus. yar, but u noe, i got a 69 for geog during prep prelims because my essays sucked like hell. i got 13 and 14 for 2 questions that are worth 25 each. (".) and i got 77 out of 100 for the essays' section this prelims. so, i'm really happy that i've made an improvement.
14. 5 subjects.
what left?
oh yar, combined humans.
the subject i also got 69 for prep prelims in.
i've never hoped for much for SS. so, ss was the 2nd last paper to be returned to 4-2. and i got.... 28 out of 50. i have dropped 3 marks compared to prep prelims. so much for hoping that combined will be an A2.
and then came lit. LIT. the subject i have never failed or gotten less than a B3 in. that sounds so boastful. but it is really true. even with miss lee, (who is seriously darn stingy with marks when it comes to lit) i can get a B3. i felt like a PRC scholar who failed chinese when i saw the marks. 27 out of 50.
can someone tell me how i was supposed to react?
as if it wasn't bad enough that i had away exceeded 11 already. i failed the tet section. i wrote an essay. the question was something like, what is memorable and what makes you feel sympathetic about krishna?
and sympathetic about him here means.... is krishna likeable? do u agree with what he does or thinks?
and i thought it was how much pity you felt for him.
whoever makred my paper gave me 9 out of 25.9 out of 25.
that is a band F or E.
a FAIL.
i have failed lit. i know that it's not the overall paper... but... i felt like i failed chinese. (which will deal me as fatal a blow) that was really the last straw. so i broke down. oh, i got 18 for the unseen prose by the way. what a huge difference. it's twice of my set text section's marks.
i brought si wen to school by the way on that day. everybody loved it and they were playing with it. I didn't know what else i could do. my combined added up to a 55. C5.
my L1R5 is 19.
19... where could i go?
my friends were quite shocked, because i appeared to be fine, they knew i had exceeded 11 already.
it was lit that really made me lose it totally.
lit....
and i was crying non-stop. hweeli and ann came over to comfort me. i think most of my friends didn't know what to do. hweeli asked me what was wrong. and i answered her, 他一定会忘记我的
because i was crying and talking at the same time, only hweeli heard me and she repeated to everyone. angeline had come over with eunice too. fine, i admit i was making a racket. but the words here are 'broke down'. i had totally lost it, like i said.
angeline brought me out of the class. we went to the rather deserted area outside the bio lab. she asked me why i thought this way. and i just didn't know what to say. when i had stopped crying, ann, huiyi, linxiu and hweeli came down. angeline told me that if we had fate, he will not forget me. ann was saying that it doesn't mattter if he forgets me, what matters is that i will not forget him.
she was telling me that i am closing myself in a barrier. and i have to try to get out. because from what she sees, i am relying a lot on him. on being able to see him and talk to him. that i admit. since he left, my L1r5 has been around 20, and during the first term which he first left to Jc, it shot up to 28. i used to get 9 or 10.
she told me that when her friends told her that her life was not all about someone back then, she didn't believe. she said that she felt that no matter how hard my friends tried to persuade me, if i didn't want to try to forget, i will never be able to.
i asked her, what if i didn't want to forget...
then at night, chewyan messaged me, with the same advice. will i be like this when he leaves for uni? i will be taking my A levels then... can i afford to let these distract me.... ....
that night, i completed the 1000 pieces puzzle and i glued it together.
and I couldn't get to sleep.
yesterday, he asked me how my prelims were. and i replied him with this
"..."
obviously, i think he knows that's not good news.
hweeli was telling me to just try my best for o's. and then she asked me whether i had sorted out my thoughts. and she was telling me that for those short times when i was trying to forget him, I was never genuinely happy, from what she saw. i was patronising everyone and pretending to be happy.
yar....that's really true.
really, i don't know what to do.
anyway, should i go for the first 1 month? i seriously don't know... perhaps i could go to jurong JC. they offer lep chinese too. i can get a feel of it. in case i change my mind about taking LEP. afterall, a levels are darn important. i don't want to lose interest in the subject i am taking. (like A maths, which turned out to be a subject i loathed and detested in every single way)
duNo.
oh, i just checked the TJC open house's schedule. the LEP talk starts at 4.30. do we just go about watching the performances in the meantime? ....
anyway, i don't exactly feel like going all of a sudden. i am in dilemna about whether i want to see him. i'm sure i can easily avoid meeting him since TJC is so huge if i want to. anyway, it just reminds me of the fact that I can't make it. anyway, stepping into tjc makes me feel really inferior. because i'm a 19 pointer....
....
but since i was the one who asked chewyan, hweeli and linxiu to go. and i agreed to go with angeline later too, i guess i can't back out. and hweeli is really nice. she is not going to NYJC's open house. (same day as TjC's) that is her dream jc by the way. i already told her to go to NYJC's. but she said it was ok. i spent the whole day asking her if she was sure. i'm really touched, seriously. and i think AJC's open house is on that day too. not sure. wondering if chewyan will be going. i hope that she doesn't forgo the chance to see the jc she wants to go to. she said Vjc's too far. actually, people, please go to the jc which u are interested in. don't go with me to TJC because i asked you if you could accompany me.
haiX
anyway, there's a mass dance at 6pm on the 13th! cool....! i love watching mass dances. haha~
but i'm afraid it will be a waste of time. oh wait, i can enquire about LEP there and how the 2 bonus points for LEP are given...
now it's the problem of whether i want to see him...seeing him will be very painful for me. and yet.... I haven't seen him for such a long time already...
10:41
url@blogspot.com ]]♥
♥ Me
Name: (Chloe) Tang Wei Mun
Age: 17 going to 18
Bdae: 5th Sept 1990
Spiritual Bdae: 5th Jan 2008
Studying at Temasek JC
Sweet & nice
God's child
♥ God Grant Me
Good grades
Love
Acceptance
Nice clothes
Nice bags
Idol dramas
More time
More sleep
20:55
