yar, hate life... (".)

ops, shan't be so pms this entry... i apologise for my very selfish and evil entry previously.

went to linxiu's house to do project yesterday. didn't get much done. couldn't find any info. it's so darn difficult. this is the toughest project i've ever done. all mr neo's fault. set such a sucky topic.

...

ops... =P

never mind...

then, huiyi was wanted to learn how to tie the loop and even asked me to help her tie. and i was telling her that her ponytail is too short. haha~ but she thought that it looked really nice. but it's so painful when u have to pull your ponytail down. ouch...

and huiyi is so weird recently. she's been praising my hair. it's really unusual to hear her sing your praises. O_O not used to it. more used to her joking type of mean. haha~

and we went to take neoprints. huiyi says i look very pretty in this one. i don't really agree... anyway, i agree with her that this machine produces very beautiful neoprints. then i went to the ntu concert. it was good. though not very synchronised (their dancing) ... anyway, they really put a lot of effort into their musical. and i liked the duets.

=)

i don't think i'll be sleeping tonight. got a lota work to do. and A maths to study for. yes, i haven't studied yet. and geog to do...

i really need to buck up. i need a wake-up call...

(".)
I like this neoprint best. it looks so nice! haha~

I'm so disappointed with myself...

i got 11 out of 30 for my physics CA... and it's 80% of the whole term. wow... there goes my colours award.. er- though i don't think i'll get it anyway... (".) they always forget the LL's existence. except when they need to spread a message.

And there's geog... in which i got 15.5 out of 30. another 80% test.

and let's see... what is my target for these 2 subjects? physics, A2. geog, A1...

i think mdm neo is right. out spirit is high, but our flesh is weak...

HAIZ..

i really have to concentrate on my studies le... shall stop slacking le.

apparently, i don't seem to have woken up yet.

i'm 100% sure that i'll become a diamond. because, i don't even have a single A... and i'm not even talking about A1s... i don't even have a single A2...

WOW!

...

all are mostly C5s.. 6 times 5 equates to 30. u know what, 14 suddenly seems very good all of a sudden...

Should have just treasured my 14. and not be so complacent.

i'm very pissed with myself. I have nobody to blame but myself. Because i didn't put my heart into studying. Because i was complacent. Because i was lazy. Because I assumed i would do well as long as i wanted to. Which is so not true...

i'm also quite pissed with everybody around me.

darn them... why do they score so well?!

i'm really being very unreasonable...

but it is how i feel currently.

maybe i'll cool down soon.

then again, it is my fault. so, i should be happy others got high marks.

did i mention how sucky my chinese is? i got a borderline pass for that stupid paper. and i'm not even going to get a B...

This is Higher chinese u know... my L1? my R5?

can't possibly include A maths and Chem...

but now, it seems like i have no subjects to take at all...

this sucks.

and i'm still angry at all those who scored better than me

i read jiaru's blog and she was saying that when the o level chinese was released, some people who didn't get A1s were very upset and angry at the rest who did get A1s.. and she was asking, what would happen during o levels? there are so many subjects... u can't possibly win ur friend in every single subject... are u going to hate ur friend because she score higher than u?

i was thinking to myself then, Of course NOT!

now...

i think ...

yar... maybe


erR...

i'm sorry. but i'm suffering from PMS...

terrible mood swings. but then, i can't help feeling this way. i'll calm down soon. I really hope...

and i'm not only angry with them. i'm very jealous.

...

aaahhh....

what's becoming of me?!

but at least i managed to pass english compre already. =)

we went thrgh e paper today. and miss heng did not give me a mark for a point i had written. she even wrote on the paper, "And? this is a 2 mark question..." when i had written 2 parts to that question and both were actually correct. she merely marked the 2nd point...

deng...

never mind...

yay! i passed!

ok, i shan't be so bad. because somewhere out there, there are those who failed, who like me just now, are cursing me for passing. and if i'm not wrong, there're still quite a lot although a lot of people went to ask for marks.

anyway, seeing as i did this paper in a "i'm going to die right now" state, i am very contented.

hope i pass the synthesis and transformation test with flying colours.

that'd be so great...

haiz...

there's not a single subject i have hopes on.

the only paper i haven't got back is Ss and lit.

erR...

doubt i can get much out of it... still, i can't help but wish i could.

and the A maths differentiation test coming up will sweep me off my feet completely. and all the hard work i put in for Permutations and combinations, and bionomial theorem would totally go to waste.

i don't think i'm in the position to say never mind. because... look at all my other subjects. Sciences, cannot make it. maths cannot make it. Humans cannot make it. languages, cannot make it.

What can i make?

yes, i know that sentence is wrong. but yar, what can i make?

... ...

oh a happier note, i'm going for the NTU concert tomorrow. yanyan has been to the past 2 concerts and loved it. so, i'm expecting something good. and their musical has always been good. it'd be a real treat.

yay...~

the only good thing.

nobody's online now. better. don't wana see anyone.

hate all those who passed physics. and all who did very well for geog.

better go study right now.

can't afford to be as bad in term 2.

u know what, i'm going to be like shiping. 25 in term 1... yet 8 in o levels.

for now, i shall remain angry.

...

fine, i'm so lame.

but then, i'm angry. heck care.

PS: ignore me n my totally PMS entry. though it does reflect how i feel now.

hope i get over it soon.

i'm sick of seeing others scoring so well and my results looking so rubbishy.

from now on, i shall sleep 5 hours a day.

i'll train myself to sleep less yet be more attentive and not tired. and i'll do all my homework on time. and i'll write notes. i'll revise. I'll practise.

and other than studies, there will not be anything else in my life.

ErR... except blogging...

maybe i shud delete msn messenger too(".)

however, i can't forsake music...i have to listen to songs...

aiyar, enough blogging. i'm gona start mugging

since i spent a lot of time blogging yesterday, shall not blog too much today.

anyway, there's practically nothing to blog about. Because today was rather eventless. except that i'm suffering from PMS. and i was very easily irritated today.

bleah... =X

obviously i don't mean for it to be this way. was just extremely moody. and easily pissed today. and something abel said made me wonder if all that i have done.. actually makes a difference.

i don't know how i am supposed to feel now. but i spent the whole day doubting whether i really like wenfeng.

how can i do this?!

aaaaahhhhhh...

anyway, if i'm not wrong, me, huiyi, polly and yiling are going to k-box on saturday. yanyan wants to study for A maths test. then go for the NTU concert... haiz.. so sad that she's not going. haiz...

never mind.

huiyi was persuading me to go. i know... if i continue my trance and my preoccupied state, i won't even have 14 points for my L1R5... which is seriously already pathetic enough lorh!

=X

sorry if ur L1R5 is higher than me... didn't mean it as an insult..

oh yar.. and i failed my CA for english. ok, not overall.. i meant, i failed my comprehension test. i got a 12 out of 25. and miss heng was so NICE... she was saying, "oh, for those who got 12... please note that there are no half marks for o levels. so, accept it." and i was like, "what the-"

so, how does it feel to fail english and be in band 1?

hm... well, only 10 people passed in the ricky block. (er... my block is ricky, right?) then the 4-1,4-4, and 4-6 block has 30 passes. ErR...

ok.. fine, maybe our block is dumber. oh no. i just insulted all the band 1s. i'm so sorry. i should mean, maybe dumbos like me have just pulled the whole band down. HAIZ...

never mind... like i said the day i finished the test, i would fail horribly. seeing as i wrote the 1st answer i could think of and i was down on the desk about 3/4 of the time.

then again... that's not an excuse to fail. but at least i did quite well than those around me. oh shit. i sound like i'm rejoicing over their failure... i'm not lah... i don't mean it that way lah. i mean, i'm just trying to delude myself that i actually did ok. no hard feelings to those out there who did worse than me...

anyway, i failed too. whether i fail by how much doesn't matter. i just failed. ok?

we still have a synthesis and transformation test. and i have no idea how to study for it. and i just found out this great news! that would be... even if i got full marks for my grammar test... i'd still only get 59... that's the maximum mark i can get for english this term. WOW!

so HIGH!

...

(".)

for the first time in my life, i'm seeing a "C" for english. never have i done so badly for english. not even when i was in sec 2 and everybody was getting such good marks from miss sharmilah and i was like, getting B3 and B4... -.-"

yet... A "C"!

my life is ruined.

and miss heng was telling us about how the chinese scholars are totally catching up with us. and there's no excuse why we can't do well... she was telling us about this boy whose father had terminal stage cancer when he was taking his o levels. he had to juggle between his studies and his visits to the hospital. and when everybody finished o levels... i think it was the chem paper. everybody was rejoicing. and he had to attend his father's wake. and yet, he got 12 or around there. and i think that's really remarkable.

and i started to feel this wave of guilt wash over me. what have i been through? and yet... i'm here... giving up all hope on my studies.

And the press interviewed a nanyang prc scholar... she got 10 a1s. no surprise if u ask me. china scholars are so good in maths and science. and humans.. shouldn't be a problem. when asked how she got an A1, she answered, she wrote 4 compositions everyday and handed them up for her teacher to mark.

oh my god...

i should do that too...

ok, never mind...

as if i have the time. and FYI, i'm hopeless in maths, sciences and humans. although my ss isn't exactly hopeless.. but what's the point? my lit will just drag it down like hell...

ops, i've blogged quite a lot...

miss heng was saying that defeng is a PRC scholar and he got A2... the local students were saying "we lost to a china scholar..."

YES... this is reality.

i shall stop being so complacent... if we can't even beat them in english, what can we beat them in? I can see that miss heng really has a certain extent of admiration for the PRC scholars. because they only use english in their english lessons. everything else, sciences, geog are all taught in chinese. and when they come here, they have to learn all the english terms.

but seriously, they already know the concept. aren't terms easy to remember?

O_O

oh no, i sound so anti-chinese scholars...

i'm not lah! i mean, of course i admire them a lot too lah!

oh puh leez, i like a PRC scholar... how can i possibly hate chinese scholars...

oh wait, i'm still not sure if i really like wenfeng. aaahhhh...

never mind. but then, they are really so clever. and seriously, i don't know how they do it...

wish i had their brains...

though that'd mean that i have to work doubly hard for english.

oh, who cares as long as i can have A1s in all other subjects... wish i had defeng xue zhang's brains...

haha~ fine...

i shall stop dreaming...

aiyar... i said i'd blog little today. and i ended up blogging so much! aaaaahhhhh

better go do my differentiation homework. and practise!

i really don't wana fail. i'm sick of failing le...

i must do well for term 2...

Just talked to my son... and i'm feeling extremly angry for him. because he got insulted by his chinese teacher. who on earth said that 男子汉大丈夫流血不流泪。。。? idiot lah! i mean, don't always cry and cry lah. like... u fall down, then very painful do u cry. i mean, u're a guy lah. or... u see a cockroach and then u start crying because u're very very scared. i mean...

-.-"

but then.. guys are human too lorh! why can't they cry? and girls are like, free to cry as and when they feel upset and depressed? see..! this is why guys are so prone to depression. when they're upset, they can't cry it all out. they bottle their feelings up. i'd say, cry lah! u'd feel better, right? CRY!

and yet there are some imbeciles in this world who feel that guys shouldn't cry. please lah! have you ever experienced working like hell for something that u really wish to achieve and then, yet fail by such a close miss? ok, obviously not lorh... do u realise the frustration, the dejection that comes along with the disappointment in yourself? and ur plumetting self-confidence?!

i don't think she's ever failed anything before.

please... don't comment too much and act like u noe everything when u actually can't even put yourself in that person's shoes. and u only know how to crap, crap and crap about what guys should be manly.

and my son is not 窝囊ok?! he'll get into triple science and be a top scorer or something... if crying=窝囊.... then all people would be 窝囊! because when we all came into the world, who didn't cry? ok, er- let's not talk about those erm- dumb babies... but then... she cried too, ok? and i'm sure that in some point of her life, even at our age, she cried, ok?!

why can girls cry and then everybody won't say anything?! and guys can like, cry and everybody would be so... "what?! u CRIED! WHY?!"

...

is it just me or is the world just like, plain unfair?!

ok, the world is obviously plain unfair.

and the other 荒谬thing that this person said was... 你有那么多“妹”啊？那么花心啊？

what the-

if having so many "sis" means that u're a flirt. there are like but so little guys in the world who are not hua xin.

...

please! get a life.

having a 妹is like so common nowadays. although i do admit that my son has a tad too many meis... he has 9. (er.. not very sure. maybe more than that lah) but still... if having a mei = u liking her...

or having a mei= steading... then wenfeng would be my boyfriend.

what the-

see the ridiculous thing about this?

please lah... if u like her, then she won't be ur mei lorh.

er- ok... this may not be true. i've seen so many cases of mei and kor. turning into steads.

but yar, those aside, mostly kors feel for their meis what elder brother feel for their younger sis. it's like... they care for them, talk to them, are nicer to them than to other people. but then it's so different from what u feel for ur stead lah. ok, i'm not really in any position to comment. because my relationships have never lasted long... haiz...

but still, in my opinion, for ur stead, u'd go to any lengths to make him/her happy. er, like i said, this is sorely my opinion only. but for ur mei, maybe u'd do so too lah. (depends on how impt she is to u) but not to tat extent lorh...

(".)

...

wad! it's true mah...

of course, there are always the exceptional cases. take linxiu's kor for example.

he's so nice to her. and he's like going to all the way out for her like taht. i'm so envious. then again, u can't compare bah...

because our cases are totally different. and i still think that he only 认linxiu as a 妹to get close to hweeli...

but never mind his motive. but at least he's extremely nice and good to linxiu lorh... (".)

ok, i shall remind myself once again that... i can't possibly compare our cases. because currently, what i feel for wenfeng is still not that of a 妹for her 哥...

YET...

duno. like yanyan said...

going that day just means no regrets. i don't need to forget...

it's so hard to convince myself that this time, it'd work out. because i'd been trying to treat him like my kor last year. and reading my entries, i realise that i was just refusing to admit that i wasn't doing it at all. Until i gave up all pretense when it was time to part.

...

even if i had admitted it earlier to myself, would i have done anything differently?

i don't think i would...

there's nothing else i could have done more of.

but still... i'm envious of linxiu. and for some reason, i just feel that her kor has a very huge place in her heart.

...

it's like... she'll eat because her kor asked her to. and we can keep persuading her and yet she won't eat still...

is it me or do kors always seem to have a very special place?

...

duno.

i won't be able to give an accurate answer. because i don't sorely treat him as my kor...

my ygr sis wrote a script on sms-ing. a relationship that began with sms-ing...

it's based on the true story of her and James.

James is this guy she met online... and i really think that she likes him. u'd see her face light up when she receives his replies and how she's extremly sad when he doesn't reply her for that day.

i see myself in my sis...

when i first started liking wenfeng, i was exactly like her. i would even wait up up to 12 plus for his reply. last year, i used to sleep very early. at around 10 plus. but wenfeng would reply at 11 or even 12 plus late in the night. and i'd have to reply him in the morning the next day. partly because of him, i converted to a late-night sleeper.

yup.

and i began sleeping in the afternoon to be able to be there when his replies comes. there are the days in which i won't get his replies. and i'd be quite upset...

soon, it became normal. especially since i'd been sending him sms without fail everyday. excluding the days when i'm sick or i'm 冷战ing with him. and i can't possibly expect him to reply me everyday.

and of course, there are the "i'm in a great mood " days in which both of us end up very happy. we'd mostly crap and joke. & then there are the "i'm in a bad mood" days... in which i have to try very hard to control my fury.

obviously, i'd act as if nothing happened in like, 2 or 3 days time. when i had cooled down. and i won't apologise. if i don't think it's my fault.

...

and he would forget all about it too. er- either that or he's like me, just refusing to apologise, so he'd rather not talk about it and act like nothing happened.

...

anyway, my sis asked James out. she's never met him before though. and james kept avoiding the question.

hm... reminds u of my situation that time?

and then... they stopped talking altogether...

it's obvious my sis is very sad about it. she's extremely affected by it...

which brings me to conclude that... she's seriously falling for this guy she doesn't even know.

then again, i'm in no position to discourage her.

because... can i say that i know wenfeng very well?

eunice once asked me if i understood wenfeng...

and i asked, do u mean his likes and dislikes? his character?

eunice was like, no... i meant, what he wants... what he feels when blah blah blah happens...

and i didn't know how to answer...

up till now, i still can't say for sure that i know him well...

like krishna, i have made a stone statue of wenfeng. although... i do see his bad points... (".) but then... i don't know...

because i don't understand him, i'm really beginning to think that... i don't like him as much as i expected.

i don't know lah...

anyway, linxiu asked me if i felt happy that time he went out with me... yes, of course.

so, it means that i like him a lot? does it work this way?

I don't know how a person i don't even know inside out... er- ok, never mind. steads don't really know the other person inside out lah.. but still, they have a certain level of mutual understanding... as i was saying... i don't know how a person whose character, way of thinking i'm not ever clear of can affect me so greatly.

and like i've always said. i can't say i love him... i don't think i can use the word "love"..

i mean, is it how much u hurt that proves that u love him?

it's not lorh...

it's already been one year...

and i have to go through another year. and i'm not even sure if i can go through this hell of a year. who knows? i might not even get into the same JC...

duno. looking at my sis, has sort of made me wonder if i really like wenfeng as much as i claim to...

yes, my feelings are mood are very prone to be affected by him, directly or indirectly. but... is it really him i like? or is it mainly a image of him which isn't even real...?

...

... ...

i really hope that i've not been liking an image all this while...

but it keeps bothering me a lot. because... i really don't understand him.

I feel totally 烦...ok, never mind...

Do i really not care about my results at all anymore?

...

i really don't know.

i forgot to bring the English Teacher and the lit resource book home today. tomorrow is our CA. and the worst thing is... it's essay...

do u think i can pass?

no...

i will fail lit for the 1st time...

...

well, there's always a first time for everything...

but then... failing will become natural to u. and u'll stop wanting to improve.

...

i'm so dead.

i'm flunking A maths, E maths.

Physics. Chem.

Lit. Geog.

English.

getting our CA back tomorrow. seeing as i wrote down any answer i could think of instantly, i don't think i'll pass... and i was totally struggling to even sit properly...

...

gona die.

goodbye colours award.

though i don't think i'd get it anyway.

although liting did get at least a COP. and she was the level leader for sec 4 last year.

oh yar. level leaders basically don't do much. so... yar.. i don't think we get any recognition..

so...

it doesn't make a diff to me.

i'm so sick and tired of having to measure up to a certain standard.

i really don't know what's on my mind currently.

...

i just feel so...

dazed.

and i'm even more slack this year than last year. this is so totally ironic. it's not as if i don't know we have our o levels this year.

hate o levels. they just ruin lives.

=(

sorry if if i sound extremely grumpy and annoying.

can't help it.

anyway, today abel told me that they are just joking about me and wenfeng and told me not to take it too seriously. i was extremely shocked. to put it lightly...

i mean...

oh well...

so i must apologise for being so horrible in my previous entry. i was simply pissed and as u all know, i'm very hot-headed. so, forgive me.

...

and yar, i do know that they're just kidding. so, i won't take it to heart.

i'm so tired. ironically, i slept from 5 to 7pm.

gosh.

before that, linxiu, ann and i went to pizza hut for lunch. and we forced lin xiu to eat 2 pieces of the regular hawaiian lover pizza. we paid about $10 each. it was quite worth it. 2 pizzas, a pitcher of pepsi and 4 soups. =)

it was obviously delicious. and i ate 4 pieces of the pizza. and almost exploded. and the pepsi is so gassy!

first time i ate so much. i really felt bloated.

haiz...

soon i shall become heavier and heavier...

haiz...

but i felt so 爽after that.

haha~

i shall end my post with song lyrics.

This is 迷宫by 7F...

究竟你想什么 但眼泪骗不了人 如果是命定恋人 为何还要?我如此残忍 记得你曾说过 有个爱情迷宫 只要我们能?碰头 就能天?地久

如果真的爱我 就?管怎么传说 让自尊它无情捉弄 管什么永恒不永恒

我不要自己一?人 去面对未知的迷? 眼看著幸福就在前头 却无法到手 不要自己一?人 无助的盲目去摸索 爱你 我像?小偷 (我可以?做不懂 你不爱我)

终于有了选择 我不是你的晴空 你的心不爱我 只能继续委屈 做她的替代品

For some weird reason, i'm still in a dazed, dazed trance... (".)

yanyan says tat i probably haven't recovered from my happiness. ErM, maybe... duno. still in a very very blur state... And i seem to be giving up on my studies... as in, i'm now thinking "fail then fail lorh...it's just term 1. It's not gona be counted anyway..."

i know that's extremely wrong!

but i can't help thinking that way. how am i going to get 10 points?!

aaaahhhh....

ok never mind...

anyway, life goes on.

yanyan said jokingly that looking at the neoprints, she can tell that i was 吃ing his 豆腐...!

that's SO not true lorh! anyway, u're taking neoprints mah~ obviously u can't stand a mile apart. and expect it to look nice... obviously yanyan was just joking. yar...because i did nothing of the sort ok?! i'm so kind, shy and innocent. do i look like the sort?

of course not lah!

haha~ =P

yar, u're supposed to laugh here...

=X

well... yanyan mentioned that polly reads my blog too. ooohh! i didn't know! and she told yanyan that wenfeng is quite good looking. quite= not very. Aaaahhhhh!

ok, i'm so ... lame.

yar...

of course lah~ it's wenfeng u noe! wenfeng leh...!

ok, never mind... i feel like boxing myself too. all people reading my entry please try to refrain from freezing to death. oh yar... and huiyi said that wenfeng looks handsome in the neoprints. she was telling me that it's the first time that she thought that he looks 帅!

that's so cool! haha~ i mean... huiyi practically loathes wenfeng. so... it's quite remarkable that she would praise wenfeng. much less agree with me (for once) that he's handsome. of course wenfeng is good looking lah. like i told huiyi, he's wenfeng mah~

ok, i shall stop being so stupid.

...

=X

anyway... i'm gona flunk physics.

aaahhhh

never mind... haiz. i'm going to at least try to pass chem and A maths. Hate differentiation...

haiz... talking about my studies makes me feel sick and tired.

*yawns*

anyway, choir was alright today. didn't get scolded. and i actually know how to sing the songs quite well. as in, didn't keep forgetting my part or the notes. and that abel yang! i can't believe him...

how can anybody be so horrible and mean?

he's starting the 文峰哥哥thingy again. and hello! i do not call him so disgustingly. abel totally exaggerates the "哥哥" and makes it sounds so totally totally GROSS...

i do not call wenfeng like that lah!

*extremely riled*

and he was doing it practically for the whole day during lessons, even in front of the teacher. i had to like, shout at him "you suck abel! i hate you." and we were doing geog and mdm neo asked what were the push factors of singapore. and she mentioned that some people hate singapore and everything about it. and i was like, "huh?" because seriously, s'pore is such a great place man! we're so safe. (er... even now... compared to other countries lah) and abel was so HUMOROUS by saying "of course there's nothing bad about singapore. there's wenfeng..."

****

-censored-

and i was like, "he's from china lah!"

god. what a moron...

why do such people exist? and during choir he was making yanyan feel extremely bad. i've had it with him man.

...

never mind..

i shall calm down and relax...

ohm...

ohm...

...

...

this is stupid...

ohm...

...

...

forget it, it's not working...

never mind. better go start revising chem. don't wana fail.

i must get at most 10 for L1R5 by prep prelims.

hope i snap out of my trance like...

tomorrow...

erR...

or rather, tonight...(".)

Well, if i remember correctly, the last time i went out with wenfeng was the 22nd of october last year. N today is the 19th of february 2006...

Oh, firstly, i want to apologise. because if i'm not wrong, i promised photos... n ... today, as i was about to leave the house, i found my bag a tad too bulky. so.. i took the digital cam out. because my hp, wallet and waterbottle are indispensable... (".)

so.. haha~ sorry hor...

well, let's start with last night. or rather, yesterday. i like, spent the whole day fretting and preparing. n that facial mask. haha~ =X it's supposed to help skin with pimples. n it's quite ok lah...n those who know me will know that i'm.. very hairy... =X

seriously... well, so, i spent about 3 hrs in the bathroom shaving... bleah... =X

den... i decided to go to out to get a new top. because i was sick of all my tops. n i bought this black and white one with a bit of yellow. i kinda like it. and there was another one that's more.. revealing. and my sister was telling me, "u're not a hooker lorh!" ...

oh god...

it's not THAT revealing, ok?!

...

anyway, decided against wearing it. since she used such an emotive word...

(".)

and i spent the whole of last night... not really sleeping... i couldn't get to sleep... (".) haiz.. then i slept a bit. before i woke up naturally. and went "shit... is it 9am already?!" and i winced and winced at the clock... cause it was completely dark and i'm almost blind without my spectacles... later, i decided not to take any risks so i got down from my bed and grabbed my watch and looked at the time. 2 plus am.

what the-

i climbed back up and tried to sleep. the air-conditioner has turned off by itself.. (timer) and it was kinda hot and stuffy. then i fell asleep... then i woke up yet again! at around 4 plus.

it was extremely sickening. so, i tried to sleep again. and then i woke up at 5 plus. then at 6 plus again. at around 7, my mother, father and brother were already up. so, i decided that i shan't be so stupid anymore and got up, washed up and took a bath.

i ate breakfast then washed my face before i started applying make-up. decided to take yanyan's advice and use the eyelash clamp thingy... seriously, i duno see the big difference... but the point is. i barely have any eyelashes to apply mascara on anyway... (".)

then, i was spending quite some time on my hair. duno wat hairstyle to tie. decided to stick to half-tie anyway. though i know he's seen me in half-tie countless times already...

we agreed to meet at 11am. so... i really spent 4 hours preparing. sorely preparing. ok, i did spent quite a lota time singing. my mum bought us a portable speaker. so i plugged it to my mp3 player. yay! finally! listening to songs on my mp3 player for mroe than 30 minutes without hurting my ears!

and then.. at 10am i left e hse. dad drove me to bishan mrt. i topped up $10 for my card then took the train to marina bay. changed to e green line... and alighted at bugis. i reached bugis at about 10.30am. 30 minutes earlier.

n i found out to my utter horror that there weren't any seats in bugis. no seats outside. and no seats at the train area. ok, on 2nd thoughts there must be seats in the mrt there. i must be blind. gosh...

so... i stood there for about 20 plus plus minutes listening to my mp3 player.

n...

well, it's quite obvious the effect wenfeng has on me. like huiyi said, i'm happy because of him. i cry because of him. my world seems to revolve around him... so...

well, given the times he promised me and yet didn't keep his word...

i was feeling extremely uneasy. and nervous...

so nervous my hands were freezing. and the 1st thing i did was to sms linxiu. she was so nice and encouraging. i was on the brink of tears... which is terrible. because though my mascara is waterproof... the consequences would be ... unsightly...

and i was like telling lin xiu "i'm going to cry... and ruin my mascara. i'll look horrible..." and she was saying "er... although i don't know what u're talking about... jia you! u can do it!" and she was saying something like i am the strongest person she has seen when it comes to this sort of thing... i think she means... being so... thick-skinned... haha~ ok, i know what she means lah...

seriously, i duno why i am so 主动... i used to be very very shy about these sort of things...

and then... she told me she'd always be there for me...

=)

so heartwarming! love all my best friends!

^^

and then, each time the train to pasir ris arrived, i'd be looking at the crowd. i was actually wondering if i could spot him. though i really shouldn't doubt myself. i've never failed before...

at around 10.50 plus, when the train arrived, i was once again looking around. and ...

i really think too highly of myself. i had to wait to 文峰哥哥to come within a very small distance of me to realise that he's already here.

and i instantly began to keep my mp3 player. so, we walked out of the mrt station. hm... he's not changed at all, actually. except that he wasn't wearing his spectacles. i didn't know what to say... so i was very quiet... and we took the escalator to bugis square. n he was saying that he's hungry and asked if we could eat first. obviously i agreed lah... den we were at B1... looking at the food stalls... n he was asking me if i mind going to the foodcourt. what the- do i look like a 千金大小姐to him?!

obviously i don't... and then he still carried on walking. so i asked him “你干嘛啊？” and he was saying that he's seeing what else there is to eat. he soon decided that the food there didn't catch his eye. so, we went inside the food court. and he bought from the stall i went to with yanyan that time we went out. what a coincidence. he bought 牛肉铁板烧... and it looks nice. he asked if i wanted to eat. and i didn't want to. he asked if i had breakfast. and i nodded. obviously he hadn't had breakfast... so, i stood there waiting for his food to be done. and we weren't talking... so.. it was very weird. i looked at him and realised that he's wearing nike air sport shoes... n i started to feel 自卑... why is he so TALL?!

then... because i was sorta standing in the way... this auntie was pushing this trolley and she accidentally brushed against my oh-so-white shoes... (".) and she apologised profusely. and i was totally... "oh...没关系" because... ok lah, let me be fair here. i'm standing quite far from wenfeng. so i don't think he saw. because he didn't look in the least bit concerned. and it was quite disturbing... and saddening. though i really think that he didn't see lah. maybe i shouldn't have stood so far away.

later his food came and we sat down.it was a 4-seater table. and he sat at the right seat. i sat at the left seat, diagonally opposite him. he asked me if i'm really always so quiet. and i didn't know how to answer. he moved his food to the seat right in front of me. n... this pleased me a little. n i forgot about the incident earlier on.

so... what else can i say? he ate lorh.. (".) n he asked me if i wanted to eat. and i shook my head. and he asked if i wanted to drink and i shook my head again. so... i spent the time watching him eat.

...

ok, that sounded so weird.

actually it's quite interesting. then, he decided against using fork and spoon so he went to the stall to get chopsticks. wa... so traditional. then he asked me what utensils i use. so i said i use fork and spoon. He asked why and i answered because chopsticks were too traditonal. I felt rather guilty. because i couldn't make out what he was saying at times. and i'd ask him to repeat it. though he didn't look irritated... i think he's used to it by now. who asked him! talk so fast...

...(".)

ok, i shan't blame people for my own stupidity n deafness...

=X

so... i just watched him eat. and he asked me how come i don't talk de... so i told him that i thought that we shouldn't talk when we eat. and he was telling me that he isn't like that. ok...

n he asked me if it's very 无聊 to watch him eat. and i said 还好啊~

he was telling me that the dish is nice. and i found it weird that he was taking out all the little chilli slices. because he's from chengdu... and who doesn't know that sichuan people are great at eating spicy food...

so i asked him, 你不吃辣的meh?

n i realised later that i said meh... which wasn't a chinese word... =X bleah...

and he said 我不吃辣的...

ER...

but then he was eating the spicy thingy they put at the side of the dish. the one in which i tried one slice and instantly began to shout 辣！ tat time i ate it... with yanyan... and kept gluping water. what the- how can he say he doesn't take spicy food?! he asked me if it's 四川泡菜... and i nodded... i duno mah...

and he said that 四川泡菜isn't spicy... which left me totally speechless... HELLO!

ok, obviously our definition of spicy is very different. and i instantly protested that it's very spicy. n he said 不会啊~i explained that 我不会吃辣...and hence, our definition of spicy is very different.

n then he started eating the chilli slices.

so much for not taking spicy food.... (".)

then... he suddenly stopped eating and he just looked at me. i looked back at him. and i was wondering what the... we looked at each other for quite a long time. before i started to feel very shy and asked 你干吗？n he answered...我要看你要多久开口讲话。。。

and so... he finished eating... though he seriously eats very fast. and the way he holds the chopsticks is so dexterous... seriously... he asked me if i have tissue paper. and i took it out. he thanked me and it was then that i realised that i'm very inobservant. because it was only then that i realise that he doesn't have a bag with him. ok... rich people only need their wallet with them. everything will be settled with their wallet in hand...

then he said, 走吧~and so we left the food court. he asked me what we were going to do now. and i replied, 拍大头贴。。。n he started looking very "HUH?!" and he was acting like he was going to die from taking a neoprint. and i was 撒娇ing and asking, 你那么讨厌照相吗？ n he said 是啊~so i asked 为什么？ n he replied, 因为我长得太丑了。。。不想看到自己。。。er- that's so not a good reason. and he asked me where watches are being sold here. and i didn't know so i said that we could check the directory. i was going to go up the escalator at the delifrance there. but he was going to the escalator to seiyu. so... obviously i just followed. so much for not knowing the way...

and so we went up 1 flr... to seiyu. and we went to the watch section. he was looking at the swatch watches. he asked me to help him ask the sales person whether the Swatch limited edition 2005 valentine's day watch is still available... n i instantly thought "is he getting it for his girlfriend?" but i went to ask anyway. and it turned out that it's out of stock. n may only be available next month. and i went to wenfeng to tell him and he was totally shocked. to put it lightly. and he was asking me 2005年的诶！

n i nodded and said that it's sold out... he began looking at the 2006 watches. they all seem to be valentine's special too... and seriously, i don't think they look nice. and they're like, $70 to $100 plus... so ex... and i was totally cynical. they seem extremely cheap to wenfeng...

and it was very very shocking...

then he said that he won't know what to buy if that's the case. because there were many varieties. he said that he's buying for his friend. i was rather suspicious of it. so i asked him why can't his friend buy it himself? and he said that his friend is in china. so i asked 中国没有卖吗？

and he said, 有啊，他（她）(duno if guy or girl) 想找机会接近我吧~

n i was totally... DENG...

oh gosh...

wenfeng can be hweeli's 接班人

so i haughtily replied, 哇！你好受欢迎哦！

we went to the top floor. because i asked yanyan last nite. and she said e neoprint shop is on the top floor. so... i was lost. like i said, i duno how to get out of seiyu one...so i confessed this to wenfeng. and he was saying that he doesn't know. i was protesting that i'm a 路痴what...

so, i asked e sales assistant there. "excuse me, but how do u get out of seiyu?"

so stupid! 啊啊啊啊啊啊！

then she pointed it out to me. and we went out of seiyu. and we were just walking past kinokuniya. and this comic book shop. wenfeng commented that the comics inside are so large in number. i asked him if he wanted to go in and he said no...

then i saw the directory! and i went to check it out. before i could even look at it, (i barely glanced at it) before i realised that wenfeng didn't follow me. so i went back and saw him standing there waiting. we continued walking. i was saying 我要去查那店在哪里...

and he said, 不用了。。。我知道在哪里...

and i was rather stunned. 你怎么会知道？你有来过吗？

n we were there already. before the neoprint shop. and wenfeng was over-reacting again. ok, maybe i think he's over reacting.. but to him he's not... because he really hates to take photos. and he was saying 你叫我去死了算了。。。。

n i was protesting... because i didn't want to let him off anymore... n i started撒娇ing, saying 诶，你又想溜哦？

so... he went inside with me. and we saw this machine that is also at heeren de. he began looking around at the photos on display on the machines and began to complain again. haiz...

i asked him, 你还好吧？ n he replied, 恩，快点吧。。。

n i went to change the money. $10 only first. so... i asked him to pick a machine. and he was saying 我不会，你选吧...and i asked him if he wanted neocard of neoprint... and he said 随便啦...he's dying to get out of there... so, i decided on neoprint. and we looked around. and we went into the machine that yanyan n i took neoprint in last time we came here. and i was saying that this is quite nice. we went to look at another. because it's background is black. and i was afraid that it'd affect the outcome. so... wenfeng said let's change then. he pointed to the one available in heeren de... and asked me 那个呢？

n i instantly said, 不要，我不喜欢那个。。。

so... we looked around. and i realised that for all of em, the screen is so small... so, we went back to the first one. and wenfeng was really getting restless.. he was saying 乘我还没有改变主意快点选吧!

and i was in a dilemna. so i decided that shall be it. and he asked, 你确定吗？and i replied, 恩。。。

so we went inside. n i put my bag down. i was reminded of the time i left the basketball i was giving to him here. obviously i found it lah. or i'd kill myself.

and he was saying that he's going to die soon. i've learnt the skill of ignoring him when he does that~ haha~ =X i'm so bad...

then i started putting one coin in. and nothing happened. so i put another in. and still nothing happened. wenfeng was standing near me so he came to my rescue. and he pressed the coin reject button. one coin came out. another was stuck. he said 只能救一个了...and i was frowning. so i tried to stuff another coin in to push the one stuck inside. and... it's still stuck! so wenfeng took the coin from me and pressed the button. and the coin stuck came out. i was looking at this in awe, and saying 你好pro 哦！

haha~ really mah...

so, i slotted the rest of the coins in as normal. and he noticed that it costs $9... and he commented that it's very ex...then after i finished slotting in all 9 coins, i began to choose the things. because its' in jap, i'm very very dumb... and was in a loss... and so i did it any old how.

and so we begun posing. haha~ u'd laugh like hell if u saw us. i can't believe wenfeng. at first, we wasted the 1st shot... because he wasn't looking at the camera. and he only started to just stand there during the 2nd shot onwards. and... he's really too tall... so... even though we were standing very very behind... such that we touched the background that would come down, u still can't see the whole of his head. haha~ n he was saying 天啊，太高的人不能拍大头贴...and i was laughing like hell... because it was so spastic. so i suggested that he squat a bit. and after a few shots, he said that we were too far from the camera, so we moved in front. and it was totally funny because he doesn't really get the hang of how the neoprint machine works. and there was this shot we took which shows... me laughing and him squatting down on the ground. it was so FUNNY! and there was this shot in which we were posing and he suddenly started to talk and the camera captured it. i think it's one of the shots i chose to print out... (".)

haha~ anyway, it was the funniest experience i had with regards to taking neoprints...haha~ then he asked 什么时候完啊？n i pointed to the time at the top and said 时间完咯~n he asked, 那现在就一直狂照吗？i didn't know how to reply. haha~

it wasn't as bad as i expected.. er... excluding those horrible shots.. but they were so funny... seriously. and i was totally noisy already so it wasn't as awkward and quiet as earlier on. i thought it'd be really really awkward... seeing as afterall it's like 孤男寡女...

but it was much better than i thought... at least we didn't stand like a mile apart. imagine how horrible that'd look. i was quite 主动...i'd stand nearer to him. n my sister noticed that i was leaning on him in one of the neoprints we took. actually i leant on him in a few other shots too. he wanted to stand on my right. because he said that his hair is very messy...(".) then the shooting ended. and we were waiting for the thing to load to go out and decorate. the time was free...

no, i meant...

THANK GOD the time was free...

he was saying, 你自己弄吧~我回家了。。。

n i began to 撒娇again... =X

being a guy... *rolls eyeballs* he was unwilling to decorate. so i had to decorate myself. =(

though i don't need him to decorate on 2nd thoughts... *shudders*

i picked only the nicer shots to decorate. because i was afraid that there wasn't time. though the time was free, it'd start timing after a certain time. the one with him not looking at the cam was totally out. so was the one of me laughing as he didn't want to stand up.

and i started on one first. and i signed my name. i gave him the pen to sign his name. and he wrote "CWF (his initials) on his face...

omg...

HAIZ...

so i instantly began to erase it and asked him to do it properly. i asked him what colour he wanted the font to be. and he said. black. so i chose black. and when i handed the pen back to him, he began colouring the whole of his face so that it was covered. i started protesting and pressed run-do all accidentally.. so i had to decorate that particular one all over again... then, i gave up all hopes of him decorating and told him, 你不要动那个笔！ and i chose some shots and began decorating. wenfeng was asking me why i am not choosing the shot of me laughing n him refusing to stand up... n i said 照的那么差！there was this shot he liked quite a lot and said 照的很好看~

when he saw me decorating it, he asked me 干吗要把它弄得那么复杂？i replied that it wasn't 复杂at all... without decorations, the neoprints look plain... (".) then he picked another shot and was going to disfigure it again.

HAIZ

i didn't see that it was a shot that was badly taken. so i practically shouted 不要！！！

n wenfeng was telling me, ssshh 你不要喊那么大声，人家听了会以为我在对你做什么...and i was laughing like mad... what the- who'd think so far lah... i didn't even think about that...

(".)

it came to my realisation later that it was a bad shot. so i wasn't going to take it later anyway. so i let him play with it. and i watched him colour the whole shot. it was so funny...i've never seen anybody decorating like that... haha~

so, i finished decorating. and i showed him the 4 shots i was going to take. he didn't have much comments. i was wondering where the "done" button was. and wenfeng pointed it out to me.

so... later, we waited for it to come out after i had chosen the arrangement. wenfeng asked me why i picked them to be so tiny... and i said if they were so huge, i wouldn't have anywhere to paste them... and wenfeng was saying that he doesn't want it and he was saying 拜托你不要给我。。。

n i said 我不管，你一定要拿！

the neoprint came out. n i went to cut it into half. and i stuffed it in his hands. he was refusing to take it. he said 那我送给你好了，你的情人节礼物...

i was totally, 不要，我不要。。。你给我收好来！

we left the neoprint shop with him feeling that it's too small... so our eyes look very tiny. on 2nd thoughts, he has a point.

bleah..

never mind. oh yar, i told hweeli i was going to get him to take 5. but ... let's not torture my kor... =)

he told me that he had something on later, so i asked him 你几点走？

and he replied 现在...

so i nodded. i asked him where he was going...he replied that he was going to bishan. i was totally... huh?! if he had told me, i'd have just made do with going to J8 to take the neoprint...

so we went downstairs. at the escalator, i asked him, 你迟到了吗？n i said it very badly, so it sounded like 你吃到了吗？n he was making fun of me. Fine... my chinese is not as good as his... (.") and at the 1st floor, we went into the wallet shop. he was looking at the wallets. actually, his wallet is very nice le... duno why he wants to change it...(".)

decided not to buy it later. the "life sucks" pencilbox caught his eye and he said that it's cool. he said that he'd buy it. i asked 为什么？and he answered 因为life sucks...

哈哈~

anyway, it was the first time i thought that he sounded good when he spoke english..

er...

ops... =P

sorry

...

i didn't mean it that way lah...

(".)

yar... so... we left the wallet shop and passed by the fountain. then we went back to the mrt station. i asked him if his friend would be angry if he was late. he said that 反正已经迟到了...and i was feeling totally guilty. so i said, 那我们走快几步...he said, 迟到了也可以慢慢走的。。。 i asked, 你朋友不会生气吗？and he said, 别说我的朋友了，这整楼的人都会。。。 n so i walked much faster than the speed we always walk at when we go out together because it was like... it's my fault. later he asked me 你走那么快干吗？and i said 你已经迟到了诶。。。he said 就是迟到了才走慢一点。。i was totally... deng...

so, we waited for the train. and he kept sms-ing. now i know how yanyan feels...

i'm so sorry, i shan't do that anymore whenever i go out with anybody...!

...

and i was like pouting.he commented that he was dressed like a primary school kid today. and i was saying 还好啊~he took the neoprint out and looked at it and said that he looked very 丑...and i was insisting that it wasn't...he said 我好想死啊...

没那么严重吧？

so we went inside the train. i asked him where he was going. as in the JC... and he said he's going back to china. he's still at it lorh! and i was quite angry because he kept 耍ing me...

and so when we were on the train back to bishan, we leant against the door that would not open. and he was smsing. i was quiet and feeling rather upset. it's was like, 12 plus only. then i started to ignore him because he kept lying to me. he was asking me if dhoby ghuat has already passed. and i said yar... we were at somerset then. and he said, he forgot to alight. and i was like, huh?! so i said, 那你下一站下去咯~

and he said that he didn't want to. he'd take this train to jurong east and then change to the green line then take back to dhoby ghuat. i was like, huh?! it's such a waste of time... why doesn't he just cross the platform and take the train back? and he said... 我很懒啊~ and i was saying 先生，那么短的距离而已诶！n he said 好远哦...

then i realised that once again he was bluffing me. so i started pouting. and not talking.

for some weird reason, he found it funny. he asked me 你怎么了？不讲话？你是不多话还是看到我就不想讲话了？n i replied , 没有啊~我生气嘛...

n then he kept looking up from his hp at me and smiling and half laughing. i asked him 你干吗啊？

n he replied, 我觉得很好笑啊~

n i didn't see what was so funny. he asked 为什么生气啊？

n i replied, 你一直耍我啊...

so... throughout the train journey, i was really quiet... n had my arms folded in front of me. n was pouting. he started laughing again, and i asked him 又怎么了？he said 你看起来很不爽。。。

i didn't reply to that... later he began laughing again. i asked 有那么好笑吗？he said, 你看起来很好笑...

hello! i'm angry leh!

ok, not very angry... i was showing that i'm a little angry. but still... how can that be funny? great... my anger is so not impactful...

so, we arrived at bishan and we alighted. he asked me 为什么你的家在bishan 要去到bugis啊？n i said, 因为我叫我随便选啊~所以我把手指放在directory上面，关眼睛，乱动手指，看开眼睛时在哪里就去那里咯~obviously i was lying.

he said, 唉。。。花了我九毛。。。

n i was still slightly angry, so i very haughtily replied, 我是故意的啊~好自豪哦！

n wenfeng's look was so funny... so i began laughing...

then he asked me which way i was going...he said that he's returning to the hostel for lunch. and asked me what about me, to j8 or where? i said that i was going home. and when we came to 7-eleven, he asked me if i'm going to the bus-stop at the opposite direction from where he was going. and i said 没有啊~你很想打发我走，是吗?你很讨厌我啊？fine...

n he was saying 没有啊，我以为你走那里的。。。

so i walked with him to RI and the bus-stop outside... i asked him which JC he's going. seriously. n he was saying YJ, inova... all the ... ERM JCs... and i was saying 你六分诶！n he said 没有啊~i said, 扣了四分是六分啊~i asked why he didn't want to go to VJC... and he said it's his 1st choice...

finally he stopped 耍ing me...

hope he gets in. though he'd most probably have to move then.. ='( i enjoy walking with him to the bus-stop.... guess today would be the last time...

then we crossed the traffic lights. while waiting for the green man to light up, he took the neoprint out of his wallet and said that it was my valentine's day gift. i said that i didn't want it. and told him to keep it, saying 我不管...then... he said 你不要我就拿去丢掉。。。你只有两个选择。。。i said, 我两个都不要。he replied, 不决定吗？不决定我就丢了...n i was looking pouty again. so he stopped it. "我不管，你一定要留着。。。" as we were walking to bus stop at the stretch outside RI... he looked like he was uncomfortable. i asked him 你还好吧？n he said 眼睛很痛...i was extremely worried, 为什么？那你等会儿还要出去？！he said he'd go back to eat, rest a while then go out again. i asked him where his spectacles were, and he said 不见了~i was 为什么？！again... and he said 不知道，睡觉后起来就不见了。。。i was rather shocked. 你睡觉时戴眼镜的啊？！n he nodded. duno if he 耍ing me... then... er- i forgot what he said. but i asked 为什么。。。n he said 这哪有为什么的啊？你怎么一直问为什么啊？

i was about to answer when we noticed that 410 had arrived at the bus-stop. he said, 诶。。。i ran over to the bus-stop. luckily, someone was alighting, so the bus was still there... i stood at the front door till the driver noticed me and opened the doors. i got up, tapped my ez-link card and then looked back. wenfeng was looking at me. i waved to him and he waved back, with a slight smile.

the whole bus was staring at us...

(".) so weird...

i took my seat and as the bus left the bus-stop i looked out of the window at wenfeng walking back to the hostel. that was around 12.38pm...

i had a great day. i sms-ed him to tell him to rest well when he gets back. he thanked me. and i thanked him for accompanying me to day. and reminded him not to throw the neoprint away.

i had such a great time. though it was really short... 1 hour 40 minutes like that.. but... i realised my dream... of taking a neoprint with him.

谢谢文峰哥哥给了我那么美好的一段回忆~

now... i shall concentrate on my studies. to go to the same JC as him... =) and now i have the neoprints as my motivation~ =)

Hello~

Well, tomorrow is a very... hm... (".) wat's the word to describe it...? very ... ok... forget it. i can't find a word to describe how i feel...

anyway, I duno... but even hweeli feels that this time, it's different from all the previous times...

and i agree with her. not that i'm trying to delude myself lah... seriously... (.")

duno... it's just... 文峰哥哥从来都没有先问我要不要出去的。。。可是。。。这次，他问了我两次！两次诶！

anyway, i'll be going out wif him tml. meeting him at bugis at 11am... he has sumthing on later... so, i dun think we'll be doing much bah... so little tym...

i really pray that he cums lorh!

but anyway, i'm still quite excited. my dream is coming true! from duno since when..

i've been dreaming of e day i go out wif him. n e day i take a neoprint with him. not that i've never went out with him be4 lah... but tat wasn't exactly counted..

haiz... gota wake up very early tml...

so many things to prepare...

aniwae, haven't touched my commonwealth essay... and physics...

gona die...

never mind... tml shud be up to afternoon only...

though i do wish that we have more time... but..

i'm kinda thankful..

becuz i got so much hmwk...

(".)

so...

it's not tat bad lah

=)

n no, i'm not deceiving myself ok?!

...

aniwae, shall take many picts..

or at least try... becuz u all noe wenfeng... he loathes taking pictures...

-.-"

After much deliberation, i've decided to go afterall... because i was going through hell during the whole of 14th, 15th and today... 3 days... HAIZ... And so, i've decided not to lie to myself... and just do what i want to.

hweeli told me that if i want to go, i have to be mentally prepared. I know.

oh well~ at least hweeli will be going with me. though i don't know how to tell wenfeng that she's coming too... anyway, yay! if he doesn't come, i will have someone to comfort me. and i won't drown in my own river of tears.

did that sound like i'm making use of hweeli?

i'm NOT!

she's so nice to take time off to come help me. i'll just not agree to go yet. And ask him what time to what time of sunday...

...

today, our class collected our yearbooks! and i've concluded that... i have a kor who simply HATES posing for the camera.

i wonder how on earth i can get him to even smile...

i don't care. i'd take and take until i'm satisfied...

ok, it's not for me to say. because people are unlike me, and don't have so much time to spare.

haiz... let's see... on monday, i have physics CA, commonwealth essay (darn it!)... on tuesday i have chem CA and A maths differentiation...

WOW!

and what am i going to do? go out on sunday. the day which i study. (i basically slack and rot at home on friday nights and on saturday)

HAIZ...

what am i doing?

n i flunked my chem mini test. 4 out of 15... GOD

anyway, today i was feeling very very very unwell...

and i sat throughout english CA, writing rubbish for my answers. Before i felt nauseous and asked for permission to go to the washroom. miss heng isn't really blind. she saw me practically dying when i was halfway into the test. when i'd been lying down on the table for a lot of times before i forced myself to sit up again and continue doing.

i still think i'm gona flunk. HAIZ...

never mind. who knows if i miraculously managed to pass, like A maths...? (".)

ok, never mind... shall stop deluding myself.

gota go study geog. was totally not in the mood yesterday.

haiz...

when will i learn to get a grip on my emotions...?

I'm so confused. Should I agree to go...?

I really don't want to be so upset again.

I duno. Shud i go?

He alr asked...

I duno how to reply.

Sunday. And on monday, if i'm not wrong... I have A maths test on differentiation. I suck at it. my differentiation sucks. and there's the chem test. my 2 most hated and worst subjects.

I don't know ...

i'm really sick of it.

do u know each time we go out, i have to convince myself that it'd be ok. it's not going to be like last time... what i dread won't happen...

do u know how much effort i need to put in to make myself as calm and understanding as possible?! do u know what sort of a person i am? i'm easily angry and agitated. especially when people are very late. or don't even turn up at all... and yet... i have to be so nice about it. because i'm merely his mei.

u know what? i'm so sick of it.

why do i have to force myself to be what i'm not? when i'm extremely angry. and hweeli says that i have the right to be angry. I duno. i dun think i haf e right to be angry. not that kor actually said so.... (duh) if he said so, i dun think i'd still be his mei.

but i just feel ... let me clarify. I myself feel that.... i'm in no position to be angry.

stupid right?

i think so too.

but i just feel so... never mind. i duno how to describe.

shud I go?!

i duno how to reply...

but seriously, i want to go.

all who haf seen me today will know what that incident yesterday has done to me. =(

i haf a geog and physics test on fri. thurs gt block revision plus tuition to 9.45pm.

n yet... what m i doing?

bloggin. becuz i dun haf e heart to study

i almost dun gif a damn.

do u noe? i'm alr in sec 4.

n wat m i doin here? o level is 6 mths or so away.

what m i doing, ruining my life?

... ... ... ...

this is so not worth it.

but yet... i can't stop doing so.

i duno wad to do... to help myself.

why am i so weak...?

=(

i'm going to fall ill again....

how m i going to reply?

我不去了。。。我不想再深深的领悟到“失望”这两个字的痛苦。。。

ok, tat's so horrible.

how about.. 如果我没有病倒，我就会去

sounds so... reluctant

what the hell...

i'm never gona be able to find a model answer...

i've had it.

who do i ask?

(".)

linxiu is troubled enough. i didn't even tell huiyi wad happened... n i know what huiyi will tell me. she'd tell me to concentrate on my studies. because she's seen how badly i'm doing. and how i'm totally heck-care during lessons these few days especially. ok, maybe she won't. but i feel strongly that she will...

i duno.

i smsed yanyan n hweeli. hweeli told me to follow my heart. she asked if i want to trust him again. yes, i really do. i really want to trust him. but i'm really very very scared. i asked yanyan what she'd do if e person keeps hurting u, wud u gif him a chance to hurt u again? n she said that she'd free herself.

i DUNO!

wad shud i do?

wad shud i do?!

i really don't know.

hweeli asked me to trust him if i want to. i really want to. i really want to prove to myself that wenfeng does not just make me cry.

yanyan says that she thinks i should do. If i am hurt again this can mark a clear ending. if he really makes me happy, at least i once had beautiful memories. but i have to make sure i have a strong mind. and no matter what, this is going to be the end. going merely means no regrets.

oh... so i should go and forget all about him...?

yanyan says "unless he asked u go be his stead"

which would NEVER happen in a million years...

so...

aiyar.. i'm so CONFUSED!

totally confused lorh!

i don't know what to do. i'm going to like.. break down n cry...

i duno le

i just know tat i really want to prove myself wrong tat he only brings tears to my eyes.

hweeli says she will go n gif me moral support. at ard 11am. becuz it's sunday.

i dun even noe e tym

am i even going?!

aaarrrrgggghhhhh....

i'm so bad. here i m bloggin and sms-ing. when i haf tests! not just tests summore, CAs!

aaaahhhh....

i duno...

i duno.

i duno.

i really duno. hweeli agrees with yanyan's thinking. she said that going is just to make sure i will have nothing to do with him anymore.

yanyan says i shud make it last n for all...

hweeli asked me to ask myself, which has a higher chance? him going or not going? n if i have a gd tym, it just means that he is trying to make up for the past. aiyar...

gtg...

HAIZ...

Name: (Chloe) Tang Wei Mun
Age: 17 going to 18
Bdae: 5th Sept 1990
Spiritual Bdae: 5th Jan 2008
Studying at Temasek JC
Sweet & nice
God's child

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