YoU weRe mY evErYtHinG...NoT anYmoRe

2005年9月30日星期五 --

Hi...Exams have started

Final year examinations have started... the english paper 1 was first... and I wrote a story that wasn't original... i don't know if i'll be penalised if found out... i hope not... i kind of hope i can go to band 1...

and today was the 2nd paper... I didn't study properly last night. And this morning, I woke up with a seriously bad headache and stomachache and i was trembling in cold. but my sister said that unless you are in an hospital currently, u will get 0 marks if you report sick. so, i was shoo-ed to school in my father's car. and he was driving at top speed so i could be on time. i went into the school gate and everybody was lining up. I just felt horrible.

I was afraid. I didn't want to score badly. I couldn't afford to not get an A1... I couldn't... social studies... my combined humanities is the subject i'm counting on for my L1R5... Chinese... I am afraid i can't write well... I can't afford to get an A2 for chinese... I see that as letting kor down... ... maybe I was giving myself stress... the headache got worst... and I couldn't stand it... so, I broke down ... and I mean, seriously broke down...as in crying like hell... I couldn't stand it. I think i'm suffering from a mental illness... I need to see a psychiatrist probably... And so, I was sent to the general office when mr lim came over. and he was telling me not to cry.

I think i'm insane. I seriously think that the headache is caused by myself now... but I felt like dying... as I was walking and trying to look at the road i was taking through tears, the national anthem started playing. and all throughout, I was thinking "I don't want to score badly... I want to go to the same jc as wenfeng... I want to be as good as I can be..." thinking back, I think I was being totally stupid. I should be glad with what i have and if I know that I have tried my best, it's worthwhile...

and so, I spent some time in the office, resting. and the chair I was sitting on was blocking teachers from going inside to do their stuff. it was the clerk who put it there. and i didn't feel like moving... i finally stopped crying after some time. and mr lim was accompanying me until 7.50 because he had to go up to invigilate the class... and he was explaining that if i was well enough i could go take the examination or I could go back and rest and they'll project my marks based on the last tests for the 2 papers i'll be missing. and he told me to make a decision. and later he went up... then, I just sat there resting. until mrs muthu asked me if i wanted to go home. mrs koh was there too. i didn't know that she is actually quite nice. she explained that I would need to go to her office if i wanted to take the examination because i'd be starting later than the rest. and she told me not to force myself if i couldn't take it. but i had to go and get an MC or i'll get 0.

in the office, many teachers walked past. mr ang asked me what was wrong with me and asked me if i got these headaches often... -.-" what a weird question. and this nice teacher asked me if I was ok. everybody else was busy with what they were going to do. and mr tan asked me "chloe, are you ok?" now that I think about it, i didn't answer him... that was rather rude of me... and... i don't know why but each time i'm sick, I feel that mr lim seems to get nicer and nicer...He called the office after he went up and asked about me. the clerk told him that my parent is coming to pick me up. and then in an instant, he was at the office again. i think he was supposed to be invigilating. if i'm not wrong... but somehow he came down. and he was telling me that the school will hence project my marks if i produce an mc. then he went off for a while. and I accidentally spilled the milo on the ground and on my right shoe. and I felt totally useless... i feel like i'm stupid... i can't do anything right...

and then i was taking tissue and trying desperately to clean the milo. and I began crying again. mr lim was suddenly behind me and he was telling me not to worry. he asked me to sit down and he'll take care of it. so i sat down and felt like i was useless again. and then he was telling me later that i should go back and rest properly over the weekends. and i was crying silently. guys don't seem to feel good when girls cry in front of them. and mr lim somehow magicked a piece of tissue paper and was telling me not to cry. and he was patting my head and telling me not to think too much. at that moment, i thought of wenfeng. he is always telling me not to think too much. and thinking of him didn't help at all. i just felt worse. But for one moment, i felt like what he was saying is true. that I shouldn't think too much and just rest and everything will be fine...

So, I went back home and heeded mr lim's advice. and it sort of worked. i feel so much better now. and i realise that my friends care about me a lot. hwee li sms-ed me. lin xiu is the one who is sick now. i hope she rests well. huiyi also sms-ed me. =D thank u everybody.

I am very tired... I wish someone would tell me everything is going to be fine and take me into his/her arms... I am tired of comforting myself...

I just chatted with my kor... er- not wenfeng. another kor. and i think what he says makes sense. the examinations later are what that matter. i ought to put my heart into studying and not think too much any longer. Because I have no time to do so. I have no time to think about how much I want to go the same jc as wenfeng. I have no time to wish that he would treat me better and show some concern for me. I have no time to think that I am letting him down if i don't do well...

I will work doubly harder for the following examinations. thank you, kor... =D

ouch, my stomach hurts. and I'm feeling cold again... must be all the thinking again...

i'm going to work harder. I will do very much better for the other examinations. it doesn't matter if I fail as long as I feel that i have done all that I could. It doesn't matter if i most likely won't be able to make it to the same jc as wenfeng. All that matters is i've tried my best.

and next time i feel sick for any examinations, i'll only come back home and miss the examination if i faint on the ground. (like my mother reckons i should have done today) I will do well... I will definitely do well...

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