YoU weRe mY evErYtHinG...NoT anYmoRe

2005年10月3日星期一 --

Hi, I had a freaky weekend

Well, like i said, I had a freaky weekend. Saturday was...well, weird... friday night i was feeling horrible... Lin Xiu sms-ed me cause I gave her advice to go sleep... and she couldn't sleep... I told her i felt like vomitting and I had stomachache... and I felt extremely cold...so, she was giving me advice and asking me to call my mum... No thanks... And I felt horrible...and maybe when i'm sick, I tend to be insane... Don't know what came over me, and I sms-ed 文峰。。。“你睡了吗？我好难受...”Ok, I know I am totally insane... Don't know what came over me... 可是他是我的“哥哥，”我为何不能这么做？不过，我们一点都不像兄妹。。。anyway, I felt like dying... later I decided to go to sleep and I shut my eyes and tried to brainwash myself that I am perfectly fine when it's totally obvioous that I'm not...

so, in the end, I slept... somehow, and I woke up feeling much better. I didn't even get enough sleep... my mother was nagging and nagging me to get up. so, I got up totally early feeling extremely lousy but better. and I was brushing my teeth when 屋顶started playing and I went to check my phone... 你还好吧？ er- ok... I shouldn't have done such an absurd thing... i'm so 莫名奇妙 like he describes me... 我一点也不好。。。 haiz... and then he was suggesting ways to get better. He was telling me to go see a doctor and eat the medicine on time. I told him I hated to take medicine. and what a fantastic idea he gave me... 去医院打两针，很快就好了...oh my gosh... wow! yar... I shall do just that...right...

and so, I was thinking that prehaps I am an irritating freak. afterall what has my being sick got to do with him? from now onwards I shall not go and bother him... I don't think his impression of me is good. seeing as I am always doing things that are not what normal people will do...

so, yar... anyway, my father fell in the toilet and he bled a lot... i was totally freaked out... and in an extreme state of shock...and i realised that i never told him that i loved him... my mother was in a chaotic state too... so, she asked me to call my neighbour, who ought to know what to do... she told dad to apply pressure to the wound. and he did. we were going to call the ambulance but aunty said that it'd take too long to arrive and it costs a bomb... so... we didn't. mum drove to the nearest 24 hour clinic... and she told me to come along. as she was driving, i was trying not to cry... i know, i am such a crybaby... but it was so scary... and my mum was driving extremely recklessly. it was sort of scary actually... i have never seen her drive like that. my dad was in the back seat and telling her not to drive so recklessly... I can understand her feelings. and so she let us off and we went inside the clinic and I felt like shouting at the lady at the desk because she spent some time writing and keying in particulars because my dad had never been there before and she said she'd inform the doctor and came back saying that he was attending to another patient... what the- my father is bleeding in the head! for god's sake! the head! doesn't she know that - ok, she does know... she's like a nurse... but still... can't she be sense that this is like- urgent...?

my mum joined us after she parked the car and told me to walk back and take care of my younger brother...I could only nod... i wasn't of any help staying there... i would have been more of a hindrance... really... so i walked home as told and on the way I was desperately trying to calm myself down... because i was really very frightened. when i got home, i told my brother to open the door and i saw that he was sitting alone on the sofa and crying... i got in and felt like crying... this was the 2nd time... my mother was sent to the hospital because she swallowed a fish bone once... and i was only 12 that time.. I still remember vividly how she held my hands and told me to study hard for PSLE and take care of my siblings...I was totally afraid at that time.. then my dad drove her to the hospital...

so i sms-ed lin xiu because i knew she'd be by the phone... because she's always very fast in replying... and she was trying to calm me down. and I had a lot of difficulty in relaxing and coming to terms with the fact that my father was not going to die and he would be fine and everything will be alright... and i did another stupid thing again. i sms-ed 冰山... i don't know what is wrong with me... and he didn't reply...after this, i have come to terms with the fact that he has no responsibility to watch over me or be there when i need comforting or a shoulder to lean on. so, i will not talk to him so often. because i doubt he believes me... but oh well... since when has he ever believed me? since when has he spared a thought for my feelings? since when has he ever thought that he ought to be nicer to me? this just reinforces the fact that he will never be the kor that i hope my kor will be....

anyway, yar... so, in the end, after like forever, my mother called to say that my dad is fine and he got stitches... I can't describe the relief I felt... I felt like the world was great... and so was god... because i was praying even though i'm not a christian that my dad will be fine and come to no harm... in the end, we had dinner at home instead of going out to celebrate my brother's birthday... but i think i enjoyed it. i still haven't told my parents that i love them... oh no... but i'm just glad my father is fine.. never again do i want to experience this type of agony... i don't ever want to be worried that my kin is on the brink of death. never again...

and i've learnt another valuable lesson. that is... my family and friends are the most important people in my life... what would i do without them...?

星光 by SHE is very nice... =D

i still have 7 more papers to go... anyway, i've made it a point to be nicer to everybody...=)

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