YoU weRe mY evErYtHinG...NoT anYmoRe

2005年12月9日星期五 --

DARN IT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY COMPUTER! aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!

for one thing, my comp is insane! just today i was sleeping and when i woke up... BANG! oh gosh....! all the applications cannot be opened! so, now i can't even type chinese! but thankfully, internet explorer still works...! thank the heavens! so i can still type my blog... duh.... or i won't even be here....(.") bleah... but then, i feel so bad... because my bro and sis are affected... very badly... not that i'm not affected lah! I'm affected too!

for one thing, i can't use QQ anymore! i can't type chinese for my blog now! and i can't listen to music!!! (.") sad... haiz... and i can't assess my documents to look at pictures... and the horrible thing is that i haven't printed out the photo wenfeng gege sent me... !!!!! aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!! yes, even microsoft word can't be opened...

i suppose we'll be seeking aid from our uncle....er- what do u call ur mother's sister's husband?! (.") aiyar... i dunno lah... bleah.... but at least i can still type my blog... BUT I CAN'T USE QQ!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! i can't believe my luck! *cries, wails, weeps, sobs* oh well... geesh...

let me just be contented that at least i can type my wonderful blog~ and talk and crap about my life....~ but i still can't use QQ... ok... i'm not exactly being contented here... (.") bleah... =P oh gosh...

never mind... hm~ i smell the aroma of pizza~ my lunch...! my mum's preparing it... mmm hmmmm~ wow~ so nice~ =D oh! i'm so hungry! but to type my blog, I have to sacrifice my pizza first.... i just let my ygr bro and sis have it first... i can wait... i'm typing my blog... i'm just glad i can type...

HATE MY COMP...

why doesn't dad just like, get a new computer?! aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh! that enables chinese displaying? so that wenfeng gege will stop rubbing it in that it's very mafan for him to type english.... (.") ok never mind... forget it....

Anyway, yesterday I was packing my stuff and i dumped like tons of things... (.") ok, sorry.... but at least we're going to donate stuff that r like, donatable to charity... =) *angelic glow on halo above head* (er- actually, that was my mum's suggestion...)

and i found a lot of photos of myself! when i was young, that is... =) I looked so cute!

I just finished my pizza~ it's not exactly that nice... (.") it has a lot of mushrooms... (.") frnakly speaking, i'm not a big fan of mushrooms...anyway, yar... where was I?

oh! the photos of how i looked last time... i was so CUTE! i love myself! (.") too bad i can't even open the scanner application, so i can't scan anything inside... DARN my comp!!!

ok, relax.... (.") And i was rummaging through my stuff and found... a coin book! YES! i used to collect coins! kinda hard to believe, huh? well, in the past, my dad visits many other countries on business trips... so, he'll bring back coins and all that... and he'll give em to me. and i put them in my coin book. and i even collect notes...! =) it's kinda cool, actually... i totally forgot about this part of my life... haha~ i kinda like to clean up...

anyway, now that i've cleaned up, i have a lot of space to put my stuff... =) i'm like, rotting at home, so i want to buy a idol drama so i can like, watch it... (.") =) i'm thinking of buying "zhan shen"... dunno lah...see first bah... anyway, i'm broke...

oh, wait... not exactly... mum won in 4D... as in, the number came out 2nd... and she bought very little... so she won like, 4 thousand, I think ... (.") so she happily gave all 3 of us (as in me, my ygr bro and sis) $50 each.... so, now my savings aren't that pathetic... (.") but still, i always feel painful and extremely xin tong when I spend 50-dollar notes...so, i'm trying to avoid that...anyway, my mum is like worshipping my sister's pet hamster... yes... i have a hamster in my house.... it's been some time already, actually... but i'm not really interested in it... so i never talk about it or mention it.. it's called loki... named after some guy in a jap anime... and now, my mum is thinking that Loki, who's like, an ordinary hamster is a what u called "fa cai" hamster.... (.")

Ok... i don't know what else to comment...and so, now, she's like got my sister to take number balls from her bingo game and put them in front of Loki to like choose 4 numbers... oh my gosh! my family is INSANE! they can't tell the difference between a luo han fish and a hamster! (.") oh my gosh...and loki chose 4 weird numbers... 8539... er- deng... i think it's such a weird number... gosh... let's see if it works... seriously, 8539?! -.-"

Never mind...

oh NO! i have not bought chew yan's birthdae gift...!!! aaaaaaahhhhhh!

great... and now i can't chat in QQ...! for some reason, i can think of so much things i want to say to wenfeng gege and remind myself to ask him some things but when he's chatting with me, or even right in front of me, my mind is like, blank... at least when u're face to face, he'll come up with topics to talk about... but when it comes to like, chatting online.. he's practically waiting for me to talk.... and i'm not talking... (.") geesh... actually, i should already be thankful because he was the one who talked to me first... but I can't believe myself! i couldn't think of what to say to him! and mainly because i'm really afraid i'll say something wrong and then... he'll reply coldly and i'll lose my temper and start to fa pi qi... (.") obviously, it's because i care or i won't be so free as to go and throw a tantrum... (.") and then, ironically, the next time we see each other, even if i don't apologise (which is vey rare, because even wenfeng gege says that i apologise for even the slightest things and even when for matters in which i'm not even at fault at..) it's like nothing happened and we won't talk about it... though i'd remember it very clearly... i don't know about wenfeng gege but maybe we just don't want to talk about it and cause unhappiness... frankly, i've never been really frank with him... as in, how some things he does annoys me or just hurts me really deeply... (.") but then... maybe i shouldn't think too much.... i'll just let nature take its course... because i don't know if I really should wait for him or try to get into the same stream or jc as him... because wenfeng gege is himself and i'm myself... I can't force myself to like RJ... because seriously, i don't really like RJ... even though it's really near my house.. i don't even know what I like or want... (.") and wenfeng gege is good in science, he'll obviously get into the science stream... and ... i am horrible at science... only my physics is like, ok.... (.") and my chem sucks like hell... haiz...

so, waiting... what does waiting equate to? waiting in silence....? being unable to see him or talk to him yet thinking of him and having feelings for him...? or what? being able to sms him, so called chat with him, unable to see him and have feelings for him? (.") what's the point of a hopeless wait? but if i don't wait, how would i know?

then again, it's really obvious he has no feelings for me... despite all that i've done... so, it's kinda obvious what i should do...forget about him...

however, I can't... at least, for now... i know it happens... but soon, i will be able to...

that sounds really familiar... oh yes... i said that to myself when i was asking myself if i could treat wenfeng gege purely as my kor... and i answered i can't, but i will be able to.. and er- now... that's not true at all because i still can't... and yet i'm his "mei" and still maintaining contact with him... the main thing is i'm still his "mei"... when i don't even know if i want to just be his "mei".... ok... the thought of being his girlfriend is... not what i want... i just wish he'd be nicer to me.... (.") and care more about my feelings... and stop hurting me... not that he did it on purpose... but... still... I was kinda sad when he kept saying that it was very mafan for him to type english and asked if i could download a software to be able to display chinese...so, i very angrily replied "u use english with joy" I was really upset and really hurt then... and then he told me "no, chinese..." (.") OK... FINE! I didn't know what to say, so i replied "..." but then, i'm sure insensitive guys like wenfeng gege won't be able to tell that i'm angry... ok. fine, i'm not angry. i admit it ... i'm jealous and really hurt... though i don't blame him cause he doesn't know, given that his heart capacity if like the size of a peanut... and he can't really feel for others... oh my gosh... i can't believe i just said that of wenfeng gege... oh my gosh... i'm so sorry... i didn't exactly mean it... I was just... being angry and spiteful and grumpy and grouchy and horrible and making it easier for myself by blaming him.... so, it's all my fault, actually... because i shouldn't like my kor in the first place.. because that's like, so TERRIBLY wrong... and i shouldn't pretend that i'm just his more caring "mei" that likes her kor very much in a sister-brother way which is why i'm willing to do so much for him and be so interested in his life and his aspirations...and my comp should be able to display chinese... and i shouldn't be so quiet around him... whether in person or in chatting... (i think i'm the one doing all the talking in sms... and phone, though that was only a few times...) and ...

i'm like, losing it...

never mind... i just need time to cool down...

11:26