YoU weRe mY evErYtHinG...NoT anYmoRe

2006年5月29日星期一 --

I duNo how many tyms more i can take these heartbreaks...

Seriously... i really duNo how long i can take all these heartbreaks already...perhaps i am over-reacting... but... u really duNo how hurtful that sight can be.

yesterday, i was to go for the njc concert. i was looking forward to it. chewyan sms-ed to say that she is sick... so she can't go... i was still meeting liting there. really miss this senior... glad to see her...

then, mum dropped me off at J8... we're goin to watch X-men3 today. so, they asked me to buy the tickets. so, I walked through the front doors of j8... and i cut across the red earth stall because people walking were taking such a long time...

i shouldnt have... i shouldnt have cut across...

if i hadnt... i wouldn't have seen...

so i got onto the escalator to go up to the 2nd floor... i put on my spectacles... & I saw a familiar person. the backview was so familiar... my heart dropped. firstly, he hates J8... so what is he doing here when his hostel is at dunman high... let me introduce THE girl... she has long hair and her hair was tied up in a ponytail. she was talking on the phone.

I was only a few steps behind them... but u know what? he was too preoccupied with looking at her that... he din even notice me... when i was so totally near them...

but then, i still couldnt see the faces. it can't be, i kept telling myself... i must have seen wrongly... even though i knew perfectly well that i'll never spot him wrongly... never...

then, they reached the 2nd flr... and I saw their faces. & I just kept walking... I went up to the 4th flr... they were looking around in the 2nd flr...I dun want to see it anymore after i saw their back views disappearing. I only remembered standing there and watching... I watched how he looked at her... how his eyes were so gentle... how he barely took his eyes off her...

of course, she's pretty. anybody is prettier than me.... what am I? i am but an ugly freak nobody cares about... nobody would like a girl like me... i'm so unreasonable and annoying. i'm forever so irritating. i'm always asking him to do this and do that for me when he owes me nothing... I am a pest. an irritating pest he cant wait to get rid of...

i've never seen him look at any girl in that way... even when we went out that day, he was looking at his hp at times... & he barely ever looked at me...

what can i say... i'm hideous... who in the right mind wants to look at me..

I asked linxiu, "what would u do if u saw the person u liked going out with a very pretty girl? would u ask him who she is?" & linxiu replied, "I won't if I know he doesn't like me..."

that message was it... i din even have the mood to take dinner... i dashed to newton mrt station & I sat there for 1 whole hour in a daze... i dun remember exactly what i was thinking...

i only know that I was extremely upset.... & i kept on crying...what was this supposed to mean? heaven is telling me that i'm making a wrong choice by deciding to go to TJC when my dream JC had always been VJC... he's trying to hint that it's not worth it...

i seem to have lost insight... i really din noe what to do... was i still going to go to TJC? I know perfectly well that it's not my dream...

it was quite embarrassing, now that i think back, i must have looked crazy... people stared at me, but i couldn't care less. then, this very nice person came and offered me a tissue, saying "u'd look prettier when u smile..." & i cried even harder. what a kind soul... he was so nice...

so, later, when i couldnt cry any longer, I calmed myself down... and just sat in a daze waiting for liting...linxiu's message kept repeating in my head... so, i deleted the draft i typed...

there's no point asking...it's really so obvious...

& then...liting came.... i had to put on a smile for everybody. we met fanny and tinghui. went to cold storage. they din sell flowers. so, we bought chocolates for all the ex-andersonians to share...

then, we wrote cards for yiting and agnes.

the concert was very good... a pity i wasnt really in the mood. but i recorded some songs... though i din record this VERY nice song, autumn leaves, sung by the J2s...

haiz... dui ni shuo was nice... autumn leaves and El Hambo were fantastic. so were ave verum corpus... their competition piece... their "ye lai xiang" is really nice...so is Hey Jude...I love their sound... liting and agnes loved "fire." but i dun like the soloist's voice. i dun like a deep voice...

aniwae, bought jy's cd 'du jiao shou.' so ex... $19.90... better be worth it...

anyway, tml got chem test...

I m going to becum a walking corpse... i seem to have lost my soul...

一定不是。。如果不这么欺骗自己，我恐怕读不了书。。她真的好漂亮。。我讨厌你。。。请你再也不要理我。。。

if i hated u, maybe it wun hurt as much...

m i still going to continue...? i really duno... i only noe that sometimes when u've been hurt so many times, it's extremely tiring and saddening...

i'm not immune to all these... i'm but a very timid person... i cant handle situations...

i feel so helpless...

no...

i will put on a smile... for my sake, for everyone's sake...

yet... how can i ever get my soul back...

08:08