YoU weRe mY evErYtHinG...NoT anYmoRe

2006年5月19日星期五 --

I'm so sorry about the extremely sucky previous entry

Like I said, i'm like, mental...yet, i feel so much better already. I guess i can finally talk about it...

Well, anyway, on the 17th when choir was having lunch, as I was sitting in the canteen, feeling like i really want to die of heat, and feeling a little bit impatient, I received a sms from him, askin "how's your concert? how r e preparations going?" n it was during lesson time for him. Although I was extremely happy because ...well, it was the first time we talked ever since... I went all depressed and upset the previous time. & he sms-ed me first.

Erm- do i need to explain how rare that is? O_O i dun think so lah...

anyway, for some ReAsOn, I actually replied very NICELY "aren't u having lessons now? (".)" oh, yar... everything's translated from chinese...after some time, when i noticed that he hadnt replied me yet... i began to get worried. because obviously i din mean to be rude. but u know... emotional ppl can be so insensitive at times... haiX...

so i told him "Sorry... I'm very nervous...the weather is so hot... plus i'm in an extremely bad mood...so, even the way i speak is so unfriendly =( " N he replied, "... it's ok, i can't hear u speak anyway, then you should relax, it's just singing a few songs." "Are 18 songs considered a few songs? >.< " "Oh, then it's just 10 plus songs, it's almost the same, just a "shi" word more." "(".) it's a huge difference ei! =P" "Oh really? I'm so sorry, my chinese isn't very good."

Some people r so insensitive.. does he know that i've been getting B4s since sec 4 began?! "(.") you're trying to 'suan' my horrible chinese standard lah~" "You're taking Higher Chinese, how can your chinese be horrible?" "I 'hun jin qu' one..."

Diana was looking at me replying and she said that my expression is so happy and it's very funny to watch me because i'd make weird expressions, like look thoughtful about what to write...

then, we got up the bus... well, yar, basically, what i said happened previous entry...

& so, we rehearsed n rehearsed. As the time for the concert came, i got more and more nervous. Anyway, we got this very tiny backstage room to change and make-up in. the toilet is seriously very small too.everything's so cramp. anyway, we made do with it. then, we got changed and all made-up and waited to go onstage.

i was the first to walk onto the stage, along with Yindy. it was extremely intimidating... I kept my eyes on miss lim or mr yong all the time. except some very very precious chances in which i'd look at the audience from the corner of my eyes. And it was the first time i wasnt able to spot him in a crowd... Maybe it's no big deal... but that was sort of where the bad feeling set in.

the concert was enjoyable, erm- excluding the parts we were being scolded backstage as we were waiting to go onstage again... & I smiled as much as I could...

now that i think back, maybe if i hadnt smiled so much... maybe things would have been different... I was trying my best to look happy. & it wasnt so difficult when I was looking forward to was meeting him later. & then...

after the concert... I refused to take dad's car home with my family who came to watch. and I wanted to go home with chewyan. the moment the concert ended, i dashed backstage and changed to more comfortable wear. the next thing i did was to check my handphone. and when i saw that he didnt sms or there werent any missed calls from him... my intuition was telling me that he wasnt coming. I just had that sinking feeling. And I suddenly felt very upset.

So... we went out of backstage to the audience seats. chewyan told me that she saw him with Xiang wang and Jingzhi. This added to my misery because...no offence meant. but whenever xiang wang is with him, i never ever get to have a good chat with him. He's like my 'ke xing.'
(".)

when we were leaving VCH and there was still no sign of him... I was telling myself that 'I'm not upset... i'm ok...'

chewyan asked if we should wait there or ask jingzhi where he is. Then, he smsed me. "thank u for the ticket. the concert was very nice. I have to rush back, i can't accompany you today, i'm sorry."

& so... i just kept my handphone in the pouch without replying. "No need to... he won't be coming..." I remember telling chewyan. so, we left VCH... I asked to walk past the bridge... because I'd always thought that it was really romantic at night. & then, i broke down...

I don't know how to describe why exactly I cried so hard, why i was hurt so badly...I stopped for a while and then began crying again as i sat there beside chewyan on the mrt. lucky she had tissue. and she reminded me to go wash my face or my mother could easily tell that i cried. (because i hadnt removed my make-up when i cried... i suppose u can imagine how horrendous i looked) but then.... when u're depressed or extremely hurt, would u care so much?

let me see... how do i explain?

.... .... ....

Let's not talk about the times he made me cry... let's just talk about how many times i was utterly disappointed with him... once, 'I'm not free. I can't go.' twice, one hour's wait... for someone who was not going to show up n didnt even inform me. thrice, 'what business is it of yours?' for the fourth time, 'I'm going out now. can you come around at night? or I'll go look for you at your home...' when I was heading his way. fifth time, I suppose this is it...

those that i mentioned above are the more major ones. there are so much more...

anyway, this was the worst. I cried for the whole night. I lied to my ygr sis that i met him when she asked me. And after bathing, I saw that he has sms-ed me again, "Did you receive the sms i sent just now?" I just left my hp on the table and went to bed. I lied in bed and i couldn't stop crying. It's so torturesome lying in bed and crying for so long and be unable to make a single sound in fear of my ygr sis finding out and worrying. then, I climbed down to retrieve my hp. & I put it next to my bedside, set it to silent mode and held it in my right hand...

I'm not sad... I'm not upset... i'm used to this by now...I'm ok... really...

I suppose maybe i am kicking up a big fuss for no reason...

have you ever been so hurt by someone countless times and yet still insist on continuing this self-torture...? even the strongest person will one day be brought down if someone keeps inflicting the pain on you. much less me...

When i finally thought i stopped, I just stared at the ceiling... and thought that I didn't need him to get over my troubles. I could easily choose the right way that would make me happier.

I don't know why i took the hp out and did not just switch it off... maybe... ... this is me. I am drowning and I can't seem to get out much as I want to... Because some part of me actually wants to drown...

So, anyway, I still don't know how to put it in words... but I told myself that everything would be ok tomorrow. after crying tonight, i will not cry because of him any longer.

More tears came...

I won't work so hard anymore... why should i work doubly hard to go to TJC when nothing will come out of this? & I have to sacrifice my time, beacuse it's 16 mrt stops and i still have to take a bus... & my precious sleeping time in the morning...

When I went to school the next day, I was really very upset and I was on the verge of breaking down... But after one night, there was now a new feeling. A little of anger. I was not going to reply him... I had made up my mind...

yet, in the end... I still replied "En" to him in the morning. "that's good. Why did you only reply now?" "Mei you..." Isnt it obvious I'm sad?! .... ok, maybe not really... "? what do you mean by "mei you?" Your position yesterday was super good, extremely eye-catching." "is it? Nobody will look at me...When I walked out, they'll just think I destroyed the choir's beauty..."

then, I went down for flag-raising, not feeling as terrible as I was in the morning when I first stepped into the school but still, I was upset.

U don't forget such things in 1 day.

then, when i went back to class, we continued to sms each other. when we were both having lessons... so bad... haiZ...

he replied to my extremely depressed message "I was looking... the costume with the red skirt you wore yesterday was very nice and beautiful. if we were to say that you destroyed the choir's beauty, then there won't be any good looking person in the choir..."

that was the nicest thing he ever said to me... even nicer than the time when i was so troubled over what birthday gift to get him and he told me "I will like anything that you buy for me."

thank you so much... though i know it's not true...(".)

& i dont think i look better in that costume... the gown is nicer...

apparently he doesnt think so...

anyway, that was THE sentence. THE sentence that chased away all my unhappiness...& brought a genuine smile to my face...

Like i said, i'm drowning.. and ... sometimes, just when i am struggling and about to break free from these waters engulfing me, I see a beautiful underwater world underneath and... I willingly drown...Even if the fantastic world that i saw was all but a dream or a lie, i don't care. i chose this path. & I won't give up halfway. No matter how tough it is going to be, I won't regret it... ... unless... ... one day, there is absolutely no hope of turning everything around.

23:43