YoU weRe mY evErYtHinG...NoT anYmoRe

2006年5月20日星期六 --

NJC Fair

Well, today woke up quite early, mum called me at like, 9am... haiZ.. couldnt exactly sleep very well anyway... was so sian e whole day

den took 74 to NJC but my mum thought we were to get off at HCJC.. n so... we ended up at HCJC... stupidly... so, we walked 2 stops before crossing the overhead bridge to NJC... n I waited there for chewyan, who was coming with her friend. n dey missed the bus...

so, yar... they were late. then, chewyan's friend jiexin went on with her friends. chewyan n i went inside. 2nd time inside NJC. NJ is huge. most of the fun fair was held in the canteen and the area behind the canteen...

saw a lot of andersonian seniors... saw some 4/7 people n 4/6 people... got weiting, ariana, jenna. oh yar, jenna joined me n chewyan later. we went to meet up with agnes and liting. had to shout in the phone n cudnt hear liting or agnes at all...(".) it was just SO NOISY

there was so much food around. me n chewyan were sharing $10... $5 each. i bought a $2 omelette, a $0.50 banana slice dipped in chocolate, a $2 brownie...=D n something else... only i can't remember what O_O

anyway, the games stalls r like, quite sian... dere's this dunking game. n 1 guy was sitting there for 20 minutes under the hot sun n nobody had managed to dunk him. because it was kinda difficult. and e ppl from e stall, his classmates were like "-guy's name-, u r so unpopular. nobody wants to dunk u"

so poor thing!!! haizZ...

anyway, we met yindy and some indonesian scholars, met hari... n crystal! she was like, "come to NJC!" haha~ she's in the integrated programme...N dere's shiping. who told me that it seems like i've liked wenfeng for such a long time. she was extremely shocked when chewyan asked her if wenfeng was really in TJC... liting confused me greatly by saying that he came to our choir concert in the VJC uniform... u know what, either she remembered wrongly or wenfeng is out to confuse me... although i didnt manage to see him AT ALL...anyway, shiping was like "u still like him?" it has been so long, hasn't it? 1 year plus....

anyway, later, agnes and liting had to go tend the booth. initially, we waited for em but later they said they werent going to go until very late, so, we walked around with jenna. and she bought tea leaf eggs. n i paid her $1 because it was bought using her ticket. jenna's so cute! haha~ anyway, we went home.

n we were talking abt where we wanted to go... I was saying tat i wanted to go to TJC.. jenna was like telling me that AJC n RJC are like so much nearer. and even NJC is like, only about 20 minutes' bus journey... as for TJC, my journey would be about 50 minutes plus....

HaiZ

chewyan was telling me, n so was shiping, that it wasn't worth it. because we'd only be in the same JC for 1 year...n chewyan was saying that the J1 n J2 students hardly ever get to meet.

at least... we actually get to meet...

u know, what i miss most about him having graduated is not to be able to see him...

jenna was saying that it's really very VERY far...

i know that... i think i'd have a hard time convincing my parents to let me go. but if i really want to and my points actually allow me to.. why not?

anyway, we know our results for the respective subjects already... and my l1R5 is a just scrape through being diamond 20...

but then... from 28 to 20...! whoo hoo! this proves that as long as i work hard, i can really do it...

erM- fine... actually, it's easy to improve so much because u have the space to improve... i mean, people like those who are forever around there cant improve much... like 10 plus... yirong has a 11... gosh.. how m i ever going to get 10?!

shiping said that 12 minus 4 isnt very safe... it's better to get 11 or 10 and below to get into TJC...

I know what i want... but i'm really afraid i'd regret it... chewyan was telling me that she was worried that i'd regret it too...

HaIz...

DuNo... i watched "e zuo ju zhi wen" n there was this sentence tat Xiang Qing said that made me think.. "people will be people... we'd like to go for things that we think are impossible to get even though we know it's impossible..."

Of course i'm not saying I like him because I know that it's impossible that he will ever like me... that's just stupid... in that case, i can like, like anybody else because nobody will ever like me lah...

during sports day, chewyan was saying that up till nw she still doesnt understand why i like him. because before i actually started talking to him, chewyan was the one talking to him and passing him that 'dog'.HmM... I was saying... it doesn't matter why i like him... i dont know how to answer... and since i already like him so much, it's pointless to ask why...

yet... on the other hand, i'm probably clinging onto this 'dan lian' because... i just dont want to admit defeat... I mean, so far, as long as it's something i want dearly, i'd work extremely hard for it... & i've never failed to get it...

with the exception of this...

HaiZ

i really envy Xiang Qin... u noe, i know that idol dramas are fake n dey never really ever come true... but i cant help wishing such wild dreams can actually cum true... well, at least lin yi chen is pretty... whereas i'm not... as least lin yi chen is cute, i'm not. at least she's braver than me... at least she's happier than i am... n more persistent than me...

anyway, chewyan told me that lanli was wearing the necklace jingzhi xue zhang gave her on sports day. and I was feeling that life is so unfair... not because they're going out lah... (duh...) but it's ... i think part of the reason it is easier for them to be together is the fact that they're both from sichuan, chengdu... n they speak sichuan hua... just sorely based on this, i'm already at a huge disadvantage.. i'm sure all the scholars know that they have to return to china after pursuing their education here... so far, i have never seen a scholar with a local. i dont mean as friends lah, as a couple. jessica's boyfriend came to our choir concert with her and he's a scholar from indonesia too... hweeli said that he's really very handsome... I wasnt there, din see n i'm not interested. but then... look at all the scholars who have a stead...i've not seen anyone who's going out with a singaporean or someone not of the same nationality...

it's extremely demoralising...i think, they can relate better if they're from the same country... ...

sometimes, i feel so helpless...

i feel that everybody is leaving me... ...

i will be left alone soon...I'm one afraid of loneliness... i'm never brave enough to face loneliness...

... ...

i'm at a loss of what to do already...

it's like nothing i do can salvage the situation.. everything may appear fine on the surface but when i hear such things, i really know that it's just a mirage. it's fake and it wont last long...

when someone has given up on another person, that is the saddest thing that can ever happen...

misunderstandings can ruin even the bestest of friends or closest of lovers...

I'm in no position to comment. but i wish that sometimes, everybody should just put themselves in another person's shoes...

I have reflected on myself... n i have to say that i've never been a good friend... because... i'm 'zhong se qing you'... without intentionally being... but then... both, friends n the person u hold so dear to you can both betray you or abandon you... at least for me, this has happened before. and only my family has stuck to me till the end... yet... i cant tell my family about my troubles...

ironic, isnt it? i'd tell those who might betray me my troubles n not someone i would trust...

ever since i left choir, i've been finding it hard to truly smile and laugh happily... i'm wearing this mask of happiness...i hate myself for being so fake...

i'm going to break down again... i duNo y... but my life is falling apart... n I just feel like running away... by sleeping...

I really wish i had someone to confide in n lend me a shoulder to cry on. n a back for me to lean on when i'm tired...

i'm done running... i'm very very tired...

20:23