YoU weRe mY evErYtHinG...NoT anYmoRe

2006年5月31日星期三 --

still on a quest to cheer myself up... glad to say that... i think i've succeeded

Seems like what i needed afterall was just a time to myself to walk around and figure everything out by myself... lessons were sian... going back to not doing homework... dun feel like studying...

took linxiu, huiyi and hweeli's phones to see the special or cute messages... got them to send me some really funny ones... when i was checking huiyi's phone for nice messages, (she doesn't save them in a folder like linxiu) i saw this message that i just couldn't pretend i din see and dun read it...I only remember that the hp no contained "739" & it caught my eye because i saw my name inside... i think she's very worried about me at that point of time.... hmM... still... wow... I mean... i wun exactly do that lah... =X but then...really, thanks a lot! or else... i dun think linxiu, huiyi and hweeli would know what's wrong in the first place. huiyi rarely drops by my blog... and hweeli and linxiu... i dun think they even know that it exists... (".) not blaming them here... just that they dun read it... & it just happens that i write everything here and dun tell them anything. oh, other than the question i asked linxiu... and telling hweeli that yes, i am upset because of him...

then, linxiu n huiyi went to eat in cafe. me n yirong went home. ann and hweeli went to eat lunch opposite school... told yirong i'm going to woodlands.. duNo why i chose woodlands... but i think it was a good choice now...no sad memories there... so I went to the library... & as usual, there are no tables... so i sat on the ground and set out to do the work i hadnt finished... & ... in the beginning, i was quite enthusiastic... for some weird reason... maybe woodlands library just gives people a 'i want to study' hypnotic therapy... ok, that sounds dumb... never mind... was reading e compo that our chinese teacher gave back... as usual, i never get more than 60 lah... so, yar, the quality is... *coughs coughs* reading just made me feel...duNo... better... though i really dun see how on earth it actually helps... (".) I mean, shouldnt i be feeling SADDER?

anyway, finally told hweeli in short what happened... & she was saying that i have the right to feel sad... but she say that it's his personal affairs so she agree with linxiu that i shouldnt ask him... I was being rather insensitive when i replied her rather angrily, "do you think i have the courage to ask when i saw the way he looked at her...?" & then i realised that i was ... losing control... and apologised to her.. hweeli has this ... AIYAR i duno how to describe lah... she's the kind who ... u want to pour all your troubles out to... & she will always be able to cheer u up... erR provided u tell her everything lah... hweeli rocks!

=) I told her that as long as there is this link between us, i will not be able to forget him... she asked if i dun wana be his sis anymore and wun i feel worse that way... well... YES... i wun b able to talk to him anymore... it's like we totally lose contact...

i said, that's why i feel so fan... i'm sort of quite past the stage where i'm mourning over that incident... it's more of ... i'm troubled over what i am going to do next... to give up or persist, and how to give up...

so she asked me if i really like him, a lot... yes... or i wouldnt be so sad, right... can i live without him... & i was thinking that no, i cannot live without him. so i said no, and she took it that i can live without him... she asked me i thought u like him a lot... why...

ErR haha~ cant help but laugh... =X i'm like so bad... but yar...~ actually, on 2nd thoughts... i can live without him de...erR i think LAH... *uncertain look* it's just- i never really ever tried to....

hweeli told me not to end this relationship... because as long as there is that link between us, we can still be in contact. once that link is gone.... we will no longer be in each other's lives...

yaR ... makes sense.. love hweeli! =X because she listens and gives advice i like... oh gosh... haha~ no lah, actually, i din exactly like that advice... because i spent about the whole of last night convincing myself that it's best if we are no longer related... and i was prepared to tell him already... so, i had to re-adjust my feelings and everything, so wasn't exactly liking that advice... but she has such sound reasoning i just cant disagree..

was hungry. ate lunch. fish n chips at cafe galilee.. wa... the food is darn ex... my fish n chips cost $6.50... & they werent even THAT nice.... i soon got too full... the peas and all that vege were so cold...& they tasted gross... wanted to force myself to eat vege... but that horrible taste made it impossible... than, was too full, so i arranged the food

and attempted to make myself happier... hahA

ok, fine... i'm lame...

then, saw this mini exhibition on the ground floor... more on physics, more for those little kiddies... haHa but i had fun lookin aroud... aiyaR... i'm very childish one wad...

took some photos of e exhibits...

then went home... because my legs were aching...

looked out of the mrt train as it was moving from amk to bishan in that compartment he always stands in when we were both in sec sch...need some more time to forget... & to get used to not thinking about him..

then as i walked out of bishan mrt to go to the waiting bay to wait for mum to come, i was walking past the bus-stop.. e moment i turned, I cud feel my heart accelerating... ok, that sounded so... wrong... but u get the point, that very intense pumping... as though i was suffering from a blood clot & my heart had to pump more per second to supply blood to me in case i died of lack of oxygen.. ah, yar... u get the point lah..

i really think heaven is playing a joke on me. J8 is like, SERIOUSLY cursed... i was like, 'darnit' & I took the route behind the people sitting there so that they wouldnt see me unless they turned around (in which they wouldnt..nobody is so wu liao... ppl are waiting for a bus... hello) pray... pray... thud, thud, thud... oh gosh... i felt like my heart was jumping out...Ignore him... dun turn around...i din see him.... I din not just see him... dun turn around... yes! i'm safe... I went past the danger zone & was ... *phew*

still praying, i went as far as possible from that area as quickly as i could...i really dun wana tink why he was dere. i just noe that it definitely has to do with her... but yar, it just makes me sad... so i'd rather not think about it..

anyway, just went to read chewyan's blog... & erR i think she's referring to me bah...(".) dun wana b too sure abt it... in case it's not n here i am thanking her.. anyway, if those words were meant for me... A big THANK U to you! =D thanks...

but then...i'm so sorry... i just wana be stubborn... I have finally picked myself up...

I am really going to work hard this time...wo bu gan xin... so... i must do well enough to get into TJC so that i can 'ying zhan.' bi jiu bi... I dun think i'll lose...

god, what am I SAYING!!!

.... i used to hate 'di san zhe's...

haiZ i think i'll just let everythg takes it course bah... if i cannt get into tjc... den.. forget it lorh... if i can... see first bah.. (doubt i can) whatever it is, i'll just try my best... give it my all... & when the time comes then i'll decide... as for what to do next...

pretend i saw nothing and go back to like the friday 2 days before that sunday...yar... that's it..

easier said than done.. i dun even dare to sms him now...

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

aniwae, i've been consumed by jealousy, so i really duno wad gibberish i'm spluttering... aiyar...

besides, now i lack e courage...*crosses finger* here goes..

aiyAR

let me ... erR gather some courage first....

*wei qu look*

17:23