YoU weRe mY evErYtHinG...NoT anYmoRe

2007年5月4日星期五 --

I feel terrible

I feel terrible..& I don't know where to start..

ok, been having ccc till really late everyday since monday till now. and it's gona be like that till saturday... normally I would be really happy. but then... I'm so screwed because I have been missing tests because I keep falling sick...

monday was just normal... except at night when I realised that he always goes home with this girl... & e rest of their friends are nowhere near them...I was standing outside school waiting for a taxi. then I heard their voices so I walked away from them deliberately. unfortunately he still walked past me. he said 'bye.' I knew perfectly well that it was addressed to me. but I didn't reply and walked the other way without any expression...

of course I realised something was different. but then I tried to dismiss it.

tuesday was a public holiday but we went back to school. I was sick. was lying on the table of the audi chair. then our president asked me if I'm ok. i asked him if he had panadol. n he went around asking the people in the column of the audi I was sitting in. (he was amongst those he asked) nobody had any. so i lied down and felt like I was dying...

then I heard someone calling 筱文...it was obviously him. in tj, nobody calls me 筱文 except him. at first I pretended not to hear... because I really don't like to be talked to when I'm trying to rest. then he called again so I looked up. 筱文，你没事吧？and I said I was fine. Actually I wanted to ignore him but then he got out of his seat to walk over to my seat and was standing next to me plus he asked a question. he asked if I wanted him to go buy medicine... I was thinking 'HUH???' =.= then i said no, it's too troublesome. he asked if I really didn't want. I said yes. then he told me to drink water and rest. then he left to go back to his seat. I was suddenly reminded of speech day 2005...

How I fell sick before the performance. & tianhui brought me downstairs...and he didn't even care...

then I noticed the same thing again...come wednesday.

I felt weird on wednesday because 我一直看到他和那位女生在一起。I came out from the classroom and I saw them downstairs as in, alone, without their friends by their side. & the thing is, she's not in his class...

then when I was moving props and turned back to look at where he was sitting...我看到她靠在他的肩膀上。。that was when... I realised that I couldn't be wrong..seriously, you don't do that...

how are u supposed to react? do nothing of course. which is what I did. ok, maybe not. cause I felt sick again. gosh I get sick whenever I'm upset. then I went back to the room 105 to lie down on the table when everyone went for dinner. I thought that nobody would come in. I was crying inside then I heard footsteps so I stopped myself. my head was facing down but I saw someone moving his bag from the corner of my eyes. he tapped me on the shoulder. I felt it but I didn't respond... 我真的很不想让他看到我哭过。。then he tapped me again. I deliberately ignored him. then the director asked me if I was ok. I realised I couldn't pretend anymore so I looked up. she asked if I wanted to eat and I replied that I had no appetite. he talked to her from the front of the classroom then went out. then she left too. I felt worse than before because of this stupid encounter. of all people to come in he has to come in.

then I cried again, that's when president came in and he saw it. he asked if I was ok. and I could only cry. he asked if i wanted to go home, told me to rest and he'd come back later. so I was left alone to sink in sadness...

so thursday was spent in sickness too. went to the sick bay then went home to rest before passing baozi e tickets. I was feeling really lousy but I was so happy to see her. miss them all so much... huiyi, hweeli, linxiu, yirong, baozi... =( I actually wanted to tell her. but then...I didn't know how to start. & e moment I try to say something about it, I can feel a sea of aquamarine inundate my eyes & I have to force em back. We walked around ny a bit before mum called to hurry me. I miss ny's atmosphere...

but then...I made e decision to decline the successful appeal myself. so I have no one to blame but myself...

then went for chinese drama again... she didn't have to rehearse but she waited for him to go back to their hostel together...I think it's all self-explanatory, isn't it?

I always feared this day would come. yet naiively, I thought it would never come... seems like... I am wrong...

ok...

so now...

what...?

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